Good Morning. I am sure you will all join me in commiserating with our National Treasure Lord Prescott, who managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in his quest to become Police and Crime Commissioner for Humberside. To add insult to injury, he was pipped at the post by a relatively unknown Tory toff. Lady Prescott said “John was especially disappointed at the result, as he had heard that the chips at the Humberside Police headquarters canteen were vastly superior to ones at the House of Lords restaurant.“
Serbian pensioner Milan Marinkovic is fulfilling his late wife’s bizarre request to have a likeness of her private area carved into her headstone. Milan’s close friend and neighbour Georgio, a retired stonemason, has offered to carry out the work after local craftsmen considered it blasphemous and refused. Milan asked Georgio how he could complete the task, as he obviously couldn’t work from the original. “Not a problem, my friend” replied Georgio. “I shall work from memory.”
A series one Land Rover presented to Sir Winston Churchill in 1954 has been sold at auction for £129,000 – more than double the estimate. The vehicle was tailor-made to accommodate Churchill’s ample girth, then used to ferry him around his Chartwell estate in the Weald of Kent. However, the vehicle was not without its problems, as Churchill put it after reading a mechanics report. “Now this is not the big end; it is not even the beginning of the big end; but it is perhaps the end of the beginning of the big end.”
A worker at the Bumble Bee seafood processing plant in Santa Fe Springs has been discovered steamed to death inside a huge vat. The local police chief reckons the man had refused to pay exorbitant union subs to the local mafia, and so was subsequently murdered on the orders of the Codfather.
A breakthrough in the treatment of potentially fatal bedsores has come in the form of ”Smartee Pants ”. These can detect long periods of inactivity and sleep in bedridden patients, administering a mild electric shock to stimulate movement. If preliminary trials prove effective, the pants will be issued to members of the House of Lords.
Spanish shepherds drove a flock of more than 2000 sheep through central Madrid on Sunday, in defence of ancient grazing and droving rights that have been threatened by urban sprawl and modern agricultural practices. Local officials could not provide an accurate head count, as they kept falling asleep on the job.
An odd fact: on seizing power in Cuba, Fidel Castro ordered all Monopoly sets to be destroyed. Anyone not complying would be sent directly to jail, without passing Go or collecting £200.
Spanish cinema owner Quin Marce has found a novel way of avoiding the 21% tax on films forced by recent austerity measures. Instead of buying a ticket, filmgoers will buy a carrot for $10, as this only attracts tax of 4%. The cinema’s most popular films to date are Watership Down and Confessions of a Bunny Girl.
David Beckham has scotched rumours that he may be joining a major US Sports channel as a pundit, after retiring from premier league football. “It’s definitely not true”, said David. “I don’t even like Walkers crisps.”
With the plethora of exotic ingredients readily available these days for that culinary adventure, never underestimate the humble lemon. Pippa Middleton has recently received a £400,000 advance for one, after all…
Alan Titchmarsh, the expert gardener, Classic FM and television presenter, has ruled out all possibility of appearing on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. However, he is considering Strictly Corm Dancing, a walk-on part in Carnation Street, a one-off special with Hyacinth Bouquet, an extra in a remake of Florist Gump, and maybe a spot of deejaying on Top of the Poppies.
Wellington, New Zealand: Staunch anti-monarchist Sam Brocanov, 76, was arrested after throwing a bucket of sloppy manure at Prince Charles and Camilla during their recent tour. Luckily for the royal couple, the offending matter missed its target and hit a fan instead.
I hope this raises a chuckle. Please feel free to leave a complimentary comment.