PARWICH.ORG

Following rave notices for last week’s inaugural “Weedkiller Weekly”, PARWICH.ORG once again hands over to village newshound Paul Burlinson, for a roundup of recent news events which you may have missed.

Abu Hamza, who had successfully avoided extradition to the USA to face charges of inciting racial hatred and terrorism, is finally languishing in New York’s correctional facility. He has however become an unlikely hero amongst the tough guy inmates, after defeating the prison champion in the first round of the annual boxing competition. “Abu was phenomenal”, the referee said. “As soon as the bell sounded, he charged across the ring to his opponent like a man possessed. Left hook to the ribs; right hook to the chin; all over.”

The annual Scottish conker championships have been cancelled – not due to the health & safety brigade for once, but to a dearth of conkers caused by the exceptionally wet weather. The game was introduced to Britain by William The Conkerer, who in his Norman wisdom believed that the sport would banish any thoughts of insurrection among the subjugated population.

“Fame Daddy”, a newly formed company in the USA, is offering a designer baby service to satisfy celebrity-obsessed women. Assets in the bank at the moment, as it were, include an Oscar-winning actor, a Premiership footballer and a member of the House of Lords. Prices start from $15,000 for a genius baby. So if you want triplets, you may get Tom Hanks, Wayne Rooney and Lord Prescott (God forbid).

If you happen to own an antique bureau with a long-locked drawer, do not consign it to auction without investigating further. A recent discovery turned out to be a 19th century whalebone cribbage board & pegs, with a strong provenance confirming it was used by Lord Nelson and Admiral John Quillan on board the HMS Victory, prior to the battle of Trafalgar. Nelson was mortally wounded by a French sniper during the battle, and died at 4.15pm. The musket ball is in the Queen’s collection, and it even bears traces of gold braid from his tunic. His body was preserved in a cask of brandy until he could be brought home. Of course, the brandy was not wasted by the crew, who described it as being “full-bodied”. The cribbage board is estimated at £400-600.

Good news at last for Gary McKinnon, who has narrowly avoided extradition to the USA after a ten year battle. Gary hacked into Pentagon & NASA computers, apparently to access classified information on UFOs, and he faced 60 years in prison if convicted. As a personal gesture of goodwill, President Obama has invited Gary to the United States, for an all-expenses paid visit.

Ramajit Ragvah from Sonepal in India has become a father at the ripe old age of 96, having sired a previous child at the age of 94. When asked if longevity ran in the family, he said “Absolutely – my parents are over the moon.” We did ask if we might meet his wife, but he told us she was not home from school yet.

To mark the beginning of National Ice Cream Week, the amphibious ice cream van “HMS Flake 99” set sail on the Thames yesterday. Unfortunately, the van became stranded due to engine failure. Rescue Services instructed the crew to place some cones around the van, and wafer assistance.

Larry and Freya, the Feline Rodent Control residents of Numbers 10 and 11 Downing Street respectively, have had a serious altercation regarding the existence of Weapons of Mouse Destruction.

Customers at Paddy Murphy’s, an Irish-themed bar in Orlando’s Baldwin Park which advertises live entertainment, got more than they bargained for when two patrons decided to get seriously intimate on a patio table. As Jeff Baker told police in his defence, “When my Mabeline gets the urge, there’s no stopping her.” Meanwhile two elderly spinsters, Maude and May Hitchcock, protested strongly to the management, saying “We had a lousy table, couldn’t see a goddam thing.”

Spotted in the classified ads section of the Cockney Courier: “Trainee salesgirl wanted for numismatists in Hackney Wick. Must have nice threepenny bits.”

Cheerio for now,
Paul.