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By Paul B

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By Paul B

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By Paul B

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By Paul B

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By Paul B

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By Paul B

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By Paul B

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By Paul B

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Hello Possums,

Weedkiller Weekly have been asked by Derbyshire Police to clarify the purpose of the current firearms amnesty, following an incident where a clapped out Mitsubishi ‘Shogun‘ with no tax or m.o.t. was dumped outside Ashbourne Police Station in the early hours of this morning.

Latest research suggests that adopting a healthy lifestyle could stave off the ravages of dementia for up to twelve years. Now, where did I put those vitamin pills?

Never allow a cannibal to pick your brains.

Free to good home: Very friendly lovable male tabby cat and goldfish with bowl … … Correction … … Free to good home: Very friendly male tabby cat and goldfish bowl.

Gangs of armed and dangerous teenagers, dressed as clowns, are terrorizing locals in various areas of France. (more…)

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The following Hallows Eve tale has been sent in by our very own P Burlinson – Happy Halloween everyone:

Make haste, make haste, my kindred souls who slither and crawl, scamper and scurry, the moon is rising and we must hurry.

Our kin are stirring from ancient crypts and catacombs, from cobwebbed vaults and musty tombs.

We must heed our dark masters’ call, and wend our way to the Halloween ball.

In a clearing deep in the woods behold a fairies ring, an enchanted place to dance and sing.

We’ll skip and hop to the fiddlers tune, round and round the crackling fire we’ll go with Jack O lanterns all aglow.

The Devils jig, the Demons reel, faster and faster we spin and wheel.

Elves and Goblins, Imps and Sprites, Will O the Wisps and cackling crones spitting curses to chill your bones.

Ring a ring a roses, a pocket full of posies, Atishoo, atishoo we all fall down, ha, ha, ha, ha,

We’ll feast on lobsters and tickled trout, jellied eels that make you drool.

Venison and suckling pigs, the plumpest grapes and juicy figs.

(more…)

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By Paul B

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Hello Possums,

Weedkiller Weekly’s Drama Productions proudly present:

‘The Parchers‘
an everyday tale of Derbyshire village folk.

Farmer’s wife, Betty, is busy baking scones, when her best friend Ann pops in:

”Hello Ann, how are you this fine morning?”
”I’m a lot better now that the water supply has been restored Betty. It’s been a right inconvenience, I can tell you.“
”I’m sure it has Anne, but we should spare a thought for those poor women in Africa, who have to trek for miles in the blazing sun to reach the nearest well.”
”Why on earth don’t they move closer to well then, Betty?”
”Good point Ann.“
(more…)

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By Paul B

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Hello Harvest Mice,

The Churchillian wartime spirit was alive and well recently, as an emergency NOBRA committee meeting was called at the Legion, to discuss emergency measures in the event of a prolonged drought. Dr Emma S told the gathering, “There may well be dark days ahead; the taps have run dry all over Parwich; and we may never see them running again in our lifetime“. Suddenly, as it seemed that all was lost, Emma came up with the solution that had been staring everyone in the face, “We’ll drink wine”. Emma was born shoulder high through the village to rapturous applause. A major catastrophe had been averted. Well done that Lass.

A Canadian man has been charged with the illegally smuggling, trading and export of endangered turtles. He was caught with fifty of the creatures strapped to his body, after border agents suspicions were aroused because he was walking so slowly.

When James Lusted sat down in a Harvester Restaurant for a romantic meal with his fiancée, instead of receiving the expected menu, he was handed a colouring book and some crayons from the waitress. Nice touch, you may think, except for the fact James is a dwarf. Fortunately James and his 5′ 7” fiancée, Chloe, saw the funny side of things and there was no harm done. (more…)

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By Paul B.

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Hello Possums,

Well the first signs of winter have arrived: the tins of Roses and Quality Street chocolates in the stores are piled higher than Simon Cowell’s ego. The DFS sale is getting underway; guaranteed delivery for Xmas. Ho! Ho! Ho! Pay nothing for ten years, then interest free credit forever.

Ghostly whispers are swirling around the ancient twisting cobwebbed nooks and crannies and spiral staircases of ‘Hogwarts’ suggesting that Harry Potter may be mounting his magic broomstick once again to combat the dark forces. His broomstick will now of course be classed as a mobility aid and qualify for tax relief.

The Black Lion pub in Kent has come under fire for displaying a notice to the effect that, to avoid accident or injury to your child, whilst the little angel is rampaging through the pub out of control, a member of staff will be only to pleased to nail the darling little poppet to your table for the duration of your visit. Absolutely outrageous, don’t you think?

(more…)

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Happy Cephalopod Week

By Paul B.

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Hello Possums,

Right Ladies, it’s bio-chemical warfare. Conkers have one of the strongest moth repelling aromas, and in the process of drying out emit a gas which kills off moths and their larvae. In order to be effective the conkers must be fresh, and it is recommended that new ones are placed in your drawers every few weeks or so.

Her Majesty the Queen is seeking a person with a passion for upholstery to fill the post of ‘Senior Restorer’. The successful applicant will be responsible for the 30,000 or so items of sofas and chairs scattered around the various royal properties. A comprehensive knowledge furniture, spanning 300 years, would be a distinct advantage, although it is highly unlikely that anyone could live that long. Previous applicants can get stuffed.

Lord Prezza was, in typical style, left with egg on his face after confusing ‘the bedroom tax’ for ‘the breakfast tax’. Easy to see where his thoughts lie.

(more…)

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By Paul B

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Hello Possums,

Parwich film presents ‘Carry On In The Great British Bake Off Kitchen’. Starring the delectable Barbara Windsor as Mary Cherry, David Walliams as Paul Bollywood and the Krankies as Mel and Sue. Oooh, titter, titter matron. A hilarious cornucopia of double entendres, a plethora of soggy bottoms, lashings of tongue in cheek tittilations and a good old helping of risque innuendos, stiff peaks and buns in the oven. It is awful, but you’ll like it.

David Cameron was forced to make a humbling apology to Her Majesty The Queen, after he revealed her purring response to the outcome of the Scottish independence referendum. However they are now back on amicable terms and even shared a saucer of Duchy Original organic milk together.

Podey Pizza, a specialist food company in the US, have launched their latest creation: a cannabis infused pizza topping to give the customer a high, and at the same time satiate the associated post joint munchies. A specialist pot noodle is also in the pipeline.

(more…)

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By Paul B

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Hello Possums,

Och aye the ‘noos’ have it; Scotch Bonnets soared high into the chilli autumnal air, as the results of the referendum were announced, confirming a positive rejection of independence. A resigned Alex Salmond conceded defeat. Gordon Broon produced a jaw dropping animated performance, providing a welcome boost for the ‘noos’. With heavy hearts the freedom fighters, sensing defeat adopted a new slogan before drowning their sorrows: ‘Bitter Together’. However the proceedings did not go without any hiccups, especially in ‘The Mary Queen Of Scotch’ bar in Glasgow, where passions were running high, as the ‘ayes’ took the vote. Things got a wee bit hairy in The Trossach’s for a while, where things could have swung either way. Consultants and staff at Edinburgh’s incontinence clinic, which relies solely on English funding for research, celebrated well into the ‘wee’ hours following the ‘noos‘ victory. Ed Milliband vastly underestimated his popularity in Scotland, as cheering supporters bore him shoulder high through the streets of Glasgow, before unceremoniously dumping him in the River Clyde. There were a fair number of abstainers, but the majority of people had a good few bevvies afterwards.

(more…)

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By Paul B

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Hello Possums,

Well, the hot potato at the moment is of course the Scottish independence referendum. The rebels could well be putting the Buckfast Abbey tonic wine on ice soon, as old Alec Salmond nudges ahead. The no no’s have revealed their ace in the hole, as the formidable Gordon Broon is dusted off and wheeled out to join the fray. The implications of Scottish independence are far reaching and a Scottish republic could be next on the agenda, which could see the Queen relinquishing her time share at Holyrood House. Bonny Prince Charles is seeing his long awaited realm diminishing before his very eyes; his vision of being monarch of the glen fading fast. Even as we speak Gregg’s bakery are removing Scotch eggs from the shelves, Edinburgh Woolen Mill outlets have been looted and McDonalds ‘restaurants’ are being picketed. Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter, Jimmy Riddle, is still transmitting with his cat’s whiskers set from The Swinging Sporran in Glasgow, but fears he may have been rumbled.

Rumours are now echoing around the hills and valleys of a plot for Welsh independence being in the embryonic stage. Weedkiller’s intelligence agents have intercepted transmissions in Moss code from a location somewhere in Parwich to a spymaster in Colwyn Bay. This ‘femme fatale’ could rise up at any moment to lead the revolt. Her husband is suspected of photographing sensitive installations in and around the village and intelligence gathering. Stay vigilant comrades.

Yippee, it’s Royal Baby mania all over again. Pippa is furiously knitting baby gros. A spokesperson for North Norfolk Borough Council stated that there would be no favouritism and the Royal couple would have to take their chances on the waiting list for a council house along with everyone else. Kate’s mother has been accused of assuming royal airs; “Simply not true”, she said, before storming off with her corgis.

(more…)

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By Paul B

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Hello Playmates,

Firstly, many congratulations to our very own Christine G, whose Weedkiller Extra #18 comment was picked by our panel of judges from the hundreds of entries as being the most original and wittiest. Of course, Christine is no stranger to the world of merry mirth, cutting her comedy milk teeth at the annual Ffestiniog Festival Fun Week talent competition with her hilarious rendition of Dylan Thomas’ ‘Under Milk Wood‘. Her next big break came at ‘The Rubstick and Gastric Glassblowers and Pipe Blenders‘ Social Club in the Yorkshire Dales. Christine’s professionalism shone through as the preceding turn, a Charlie Williams tribute artiste, went down under a salvo of pork pies. Her act did however encroach on ten minutes of bingo time, but her winning smile and affinity with the audience saw her through, what could have been a potentially nasty incident, to win first place. Well done lass.

Cosmetic surgeons all over the U.S.A are mourning the passing of the comedienne and chat show host Joan Rivers, one of the greatest acerbic and self deprecating entertainers ever to tread the boards, who has died in New York at the age of ‘fifty seven‘.

Tony Blair, after recently being announced as philanthropist of the decade, has pledged to give away his millions as a gesture of contrition. Cherie is said to be ecstatic, and can’t wait to get her hands on his money.

(more…)

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By Paul B

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Hello Possums,

Good news, the Parwich blog Nature Watch presenters, in conjunction with Weedkiller Weekly’s Hornythilogical team, will be publishing a lavishly illustrated calendar for 2015, entitled “Birds getting out of the bath“. Photo shoots will be held at the Legion, on a date to be confirmed. Interested?

There is still no sign of the large bouncy castle that disappeared from The Bentley Brook Hotel, prior to a family bank holiday fun day. The organizer and proprietor, Joe, told Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter that, not only did it prove a great disappointment for the children, the helium used to inflate it was extremely expensive.

Weedkiller’s’ film pick of the month: “The Blair Rich Project“.

Healthy food recommendation: Greek alphabettti spaghetti, rich in Omegas.

(more…)

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By Paul B

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Hello Possums,

Yesterday’s car boot sale at the Sycamore proved a great success, as bargain hunters converged from far and wide in search of that ever elusive overlooked treasure, but it was our very own Kathy who camped out over night in the pub car park that triumphed after some determined haggling securing a Dyson vacuum cleaner at the knock down price of ten pounds. “I’m a sucker for a good bargain” said Kathy, who also bought two cartons of long life grapefruit juice for 50p. Her husband, Rodger, snapped up a pull along toy horse with provenance linking it to Queen Victoria’s childhood, and a first edition of ‘The Watering Holes of old Derbyshire‘ and a battery charger. Parwich’s own Monty Don, Peter T, did a roaring trade with his surplus plants raising enough money for some new sandals. Of course there were the odd ‘Del Boys’ flogging dodgy gear, including a suspicious looking Irish chap selling left handed tea cups and pirated Brendan Shine CDs.

The biggest anti climax in the history of rock and roll: Elvis Presley’s ex-fiancée has finally broken her silence, after 37 years, to reveal the King’s last words, “I’m going to the bathroom to read”. This stunning revelation has ended years of speculation over this closely guarded Show Business secret.

A pair of café owners in Bristol have splashed out on a replica Time Lord’s Tardis, costing £1,800, and have converted it into ‘The Who Loo’, which now graces the waiting room café at Warneley on the old Bristol & Bath Railway. After a patron has flushed the loo, a loud robotic Dalek voice booms out ‘Fumigate, Fumigate’.

(more…)

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By Paul B

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Hello Possums,

Police Officers, acting on a tip off, locked staff inside the Crown Pub in Lea, whilst they conducted a search of the premises in the hope of finding the Holy Grail or Nanteos Cup (a crudely carved wooden vessel believed to have been used at the Last Supper). The cup, which is claimed to have been brought to England by St Joseph of Arimathea, was stolen in a raid on a house in Weston-Under-Penyardin, Herefordshire. However the search was in vain, and the police left empty handed. The Pub’s landlady, Di Franklin, denied any knowledge of the whereabouts of the missing relic, saying “Christ only knows where it is“.

As the humanitarian crisis deepened in Iraq, our illustrious world leaders faced some tough decisions recently: David Cameron could not decide which fish to choose at the Portuguese fish market, and Barack Obama was unsure which club to select for a tricky chip shot onto the green at the Martha’s Vineyard golf course, where he is on holiday.

A brilliant star has gone out over Tinsletown with the sad demise of Robin Williams, yet another tragic genius who decided to call it a day. The best comedy of all is spontaneous and cannot be taught, the ability to make people laugh is a God given talent. Alas some comedians, like clowns, adopt a unique persona on stage, but, once the foot lights have faded and the audience has gone, all that is left is a Pandoras box brimming with personal demons. Like everything else, laughter comes at a price, and a very high price at that in this case.

(more…)

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By Paul B.

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Hello Possums,

Well I must tell you, all hell broke loose at Weedkiller’s headquarters recently, when our head canteen cook, Mavis Crow, learnt that her application to be included in the last 15,975 hopefuls for a place in ‘The Great British Bake Off’had been rejected. Apparently Mavis’s Spam and Stilton Quiche and her Coconut Crumble failed to impress the judges. The air was blue, as Mavis threw an almighty tantrum; pots and pans flying everywhere. ”It’s a bloody fix” she screamed, stubbing her fag out on her treasured signed photo of Paul Hollywood, ”They’re all pals of Mary Berry. It’s a flaming conspiracy.” It took two Newcastle Browns and a good swig of cooking sherry to calm her down. What a kerfuffle.

Hurry! Hurry! It’s the last few days of Parwich Blog’s furniture sale. We wont be beaten on price: buy now, pay nothing for ten years, then fifty year’s interest free credit; guaranteed Christmas delivery.

A French hospice is to open a wine bar for terminally ill patients at the Clermont Ferrand Hospital in Central France. The bar will stock a wide range of spirits, wine and champagne. A spokesman did say that the consumption of alcohol by patients will be carefully monitored to avoid the risk of long term alcohol dependency issues.

A Swedish woman was aghast to discover the skulls and bones of eighty people stored in IKEA bags in the basement of her local church. Apparently the remains were exhumed to allow building repairs to take place and had lain forgotten for some considerable time. A spokesman for IKEA has promised to forward instructions for self assembly of the skeletons which will be re-interred in flat pack coffins.

(more…)

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By Paul B

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Hello Possums

Reported sightings of U.F.O’s are on the increase with some very convincing eye witness accounts and photographic evidence. Personally I believe these chaps should steer well clear of planet Earth. If indeed they do have the capability to cover infinite distances in space, they are most likely far more intelligent than the human race and would not wish to get embroiled in the progressive destruction of our planet, ongoing territorial and religious conflicts, genocide, famine, drought, disease over fishing, gradual destruction of natural habitats of wild animals, decimation of vital rain forests, unsustainable populations, and … the list goes on. We are not alone, or are we?

On a lighter note, Prince Charles is seeking a versatile gardener for his Highgrove estate. The successful applicant will be required to work a forty hour week with extra duties at weekend on a rota basis, to include topiary, hedge, shrub and lawn maintenance, emptying ash trays, weed control and reading bed time stories to One’s plants. There is a competitive salary with all the benefits that one would expect as a royal employee, but in keeping with the Princes’ frugal existence the hourly luncheon break will be unpaid.

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By Paul B

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By Paul B

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