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Ahoy there, landlubbers: remember the cribbage board reputedly owned by Lord Nelson? It brought £1,900, hammer plus buyer’s premium, which I would venture to say guarantees a watertight provenance.

In a quandary about what on earth to buy your friends and relations for Christmas? Fear ye not, for help is at hand in the form of “The Pippa Middleton Xmas Gift Guide for Commoners.” Pippa has vehemently denied exploiting her royal connections to break into this extremely lucrative market. Her merchandise includes: replica royal crowns, fake corgi whoopsies, Duchy of Cornwall luxury hampers, Sandringham Pheasant paté with truffles, ermine-lined House of Windsor wellies, Queen Victoria’s secret lingerie, Duke of Edinburgh Xmas crackers (containing a paper top hat, a Highgrove haggis and a gaffe), signed copies of the ”Princess Anne Book of Hairstyles”, Prince Edward’s ”My Time in the Royal Marines”, Prince Andrew’s ”Budget Travel” and  ”How to Get More for Your House” and Prince Harry’s “A History of the House of Hangover”.

Devout Trelkies Sonnie Gustavson and his fiancée Jossie Sockertopp from Sweden have taken their wedding vows in traditional Klingon robes, complete with prosthetic foreheads, whilst attending the Destination Star Trek convention in London. Sonnie told fellow Trekkies “Jossie is a strict advocate of no sex before marriage, so tonight I will be boldly going where no man has been before.”

Meanwhile, over the pond, 80 year old George Stillman is suing the State Of New York for 5.5 million dollars in damages, after being ordered to leave the St Agnes public library on account of his extremely offensive body odour, which he tried to blame on the nearby restrooms. His attorney said “my client was grossly humiliated by these totally unfounded allegations regarding his personal hygiene”. However the attorney has insisted that any communications with Mr Stillman regarding this case should be conducted over the phone.

Our very own Dorothy Littlewood and some friends recently enjoyed a luncheon courtesy of Sudbury Open Prison – not as inmates, I might add. On the menu: Con-somme, Salad Nick-oise, Crook-monsieur, Chicken Jail-frezi and Snail Porridge. There were no drinks unfortunately, as the bars were closed. Being worldly wise, Dorothy struck up a conversation with the head waiter. “Are ya in on a bum rap, buddy? What’s your hustle? Got any pruno or snout ? How long’s ya stretch, pal ? Are ya packing a rod, or are ya just pleased ta see me?” The man looked down at Dorothy and said “actually madam, I happen to be the prison governor.”

A man from Illinois serving three months in prison for stealing a 300lb pumpkin from a farm stand has had his conviction squashed.

In Chestertown, Maryland , USA, during the annual Christmas parade, a man dressed as Frosty the snowman was arrested for being drunk and disorderly and causing a public nuisance, after lashing out at a police dog that had urinated up his leg. A police spokesman said, “Frosty will be spending the night in the cells, until he has thawed out somewhat.”

A twenty year old Brazilian woman has auctioned off her virginity online. The highest bidder was a Japanese man who came out on top (their words not mine) with a winning bid of $780.000. When asked if she would be taking precautions, she replied “absolutely – it’s cash up front”.

Meanwhile, closer to home, Marina Chapman from Bradford – who claims she was abducted at the age of four and raised by Capuchin monkeys in a Tarzan-like scenario in the jungle – is the subject of intense scrutiny from experts who dispute her claims and suspect they are a fantasy. We went to see Marina for an interview, but she refused to come down from the tree.

Lastly: not ones for missing an opportunity on the back of the recent Bond Movie Skyfall, the Middletons are marketing 007-themed party nights such as ”By Appointment to her Majesty’s Secret Service”, “Moneyraker” and “Goldfingers”.

Cheers!
Paul B.