Good afternoon from windswept and rain-battered Parwich. It’s a good day for snuggling down with a bottle of Baileys Irish Cream, a tin of Quality Street and rattling off those Christmas cards. Bah Humbug!
LONDON: Rihanna, well known for her outrageously revealing stage outfits, has caused controversy with her latest fashion choice: a turquoise top, extravagantly adorned with myriads of ostrich feathers. Animal rights groups suspect that the feathers may have been gathered cruelly. We asked Rihanna for a comment, but she ran off at great speed. When we finally caught up with her, she stuck her head in the sand and refused to come out and speak to us.
An obsessively jealous man who suspected his girlfriend of seeing another man took all her expensive underwear and, in a fit of pique, set fire to it on the barbecue. Alerted by the smoke, his next door neighbours dashed round with a six-pack of Special Brew, two bottles of wine and a pack of burger baps.
HARTLEPOOL: A police constable scrambled a force helicopter to thwart what he believed to be a raid on a scrapyard, only to discover the suspect was in fact a scarecrow in a high-visibility jacket. The scrapyard proprietor told them he had placed the scarecrow on top of a pile of bronze war memorial plaques, four church bells and sixty tons of church lead roofing, in order to deter a gang of thieves that were operating in the area.
The Prince of Wales is to enter the energy supply market, by supplying methane to 56,000 homes in the area. The sprouts will be grown and supplied by the Highgrove gardens.
During the Second World War, American secret service agents spiked Adolf Hitler’s carrots with female hormones, hoping he would develop female characteristics and curb his manic aggression. However, Hitler’s suspicions were aroused when he started growing breasts and couldn’t stop talking.
Heston Blumenthal has finally released the much anticipated Christmas luncheon menu for his Fat Duck restaurant. Hailed by critics as a culinary masterpiece, it costs £300 per head, excluding drinks and gratuities. Gourmets will be able to enjoy mulled wine lollies, edible snow, edible tablecloths and cutlery, edible Christmas crackers, edible tables and chairs, edible candles, edible waitresses, an edible restaurant and last but not least, an edible Heston Blumenthal, complete with edible bill.
South African police detained 25 year-old smuggler Paul Ramoloka, a Lebanese national who had swallowed 220 polished diamonds worth an a estimated $2.5 million. After being X-rayed, he was dosed with copious amounts of laxatives, in an effort to retrieve the diamonds. Once nature had taken its course, the diamonds were recovered, but Ramoloka managed to escape from custody and is still on the run.
The Iceland supermarket chain has resorted to protecting meat joints from shoplifters by placing them in security boxes. An Iceland spokesman said “We have been forced to take these measures after a woman attempted to avoid paying for a leg of lamb by secreting it under her usual shopping: six bottles of Blue Nun, 24 cans of Special Brew, three bottles of Vodka, 40 scratch cards, the TV Soaps weekly magazine, 600 Benson & Hedges and a copy of Benefits Weekly.” In mitigation, her lawyer told the court “My client was driven by desperation at the thought of her children going hungry.”
“Never forget: if the going gets tough, put on a brave face.” – Quotation from Geronimo.
A 37 year old Swedish woman with an extremely morbid obsession has been arrested and charged with violating the peace of the departed, after she admitted having an affair with a skeleton which she kept in her cupboard. However the case was dismissed when she was asked by the prosecutor whether or not the skeleton was real. “Of course it isn’t”, she snapped. “What do you take me for – some kind of weirdo?”
Love your neighbour, but don’t get caught!
Bye for now,
P.B.
PARWICH.ORG 
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