Greetings Possums,
Well the Xmas juggernaut is well underway and gathering momentum as we speak. It will soon be time to hang your stockings up or is it tights these days? Did you know that the Xmas cracker was invented by Tom Smith in 1846. The origin of his idea was French bon bons which contained a poem and were given as love tokens. Tom was sat by the fire one evening thinking how to make them more exciting, when a flaming log emitted a loud bang, giving Tom the idea for a snap in his crackers, the rest is history.
The Queen & Prince Philip were so impressed by a recent visit to a motor home manufacturers that they have ordered one to enable them to sneak ‘awf’ now and again for an incognito break. The motor home in question will bear the royal coat of arms. Staff will include a chauffeur, chef, private secretary, butler and housekeeping staff. It will boast a guest room in case any other royals fancy roughing it on holiday. A mini version will be towed behind for the corgis. Unfortunately there is no helipad provided on the roof for Prince Andrew. Look out for Pippa’s must have guide to motor home entertaining in bad bookstores soon.
“Beauty is only skin deep.” Quote from John Merrick ( The Elephant man ).
Dorking, Surrey: Local police are hunting an opportunist thief who is haunting supermarket aisles; he distracts his elderly victims by dancing around them shouting “Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes“, whilst stealthily relieving them of wallets and purses. The manager of one store rang 999, and asked for the Peelers to attend one such incident. The attending officer constable Maurice Piper said “This man will be in seriously hot water when we apprehend him“. The suspect was described as wearing a brown jacket, skin-tight trousers with turnips and hash brown puppies.
One of Great Britain’s biggest families welcomed their most recent addition, a bouncing baby boy, bringing their total to sixteen. Sue the proud mother, who runs a bakery with her husband in Lancashire, said “I am hardly ever without a bun in the oven these days“.
Yet another item of Queen Victoria’s unmentionables is going under the hammer at auction. Following an excellent result with a pair of her voluminous bloomers a pair of her thrice darned silk stockings are to be sold by a Banbury auctioneer with an estimate of £1.000. The auctioneer said, “Taking into consideration the fact that she had nine children one must expect a certain amount of wear and tear with her personal items.”
The Pope mobile, specially commissioned for Pope John Paul the second for his visit to Ireland in 1979, has been converted into a minibus which may be hired for £250.00 per hour. It seats sixteen including the papal throne. Jedward the Irish duo were guests of honour for the maiden trip. Jed told his brother the bus was used by an extremely important person in the Catholic Church. His brother pondered for a moment and said, ” Who would that be then Jed, Father Ted?”.
The owner of an Indian restaurant killed a rat in his kitchen in front of health and hygiene inspectors on a routine check in a scene reminiscent of “Fawlty Towers.”. The rat was left in a pool of blood after being dispatched with a cleaver at the Vindaloo Express in South London. Rakakumar Rajalinger told magistrates “It was a very regrettable incident especially having to kill a rat” The magistrates asked him if it was a religious issue for him killing a living creature. “Oh, no!” he replied “I was loathed to do it as, they keep the Cockroaches down“.
The eyes of the media are on Brazilian Carine Felizardo, but not on her face. Carine has been crowned “Miss Bum Bum” for having the country’s sexiest posterior. Miss Felizardo is quoted as saying “I am over the moon, I would like to personally show my appreciation to men that voted for me, but not all at once“.
Japanese researchers have concluded that the main ingredients in brewing beer create an environment totally hostile to the viruses that create so much misery over Christmas such as stubborn colds & influenza. The properties of beer can also ward off more serious ailments like bronchitis and pneumonia. The Parwich Royal British Legion dispensary is open each evening from 6.00pm, no appointment necessary.
Here is a little teaser for you. Which is the odd one out fox, weasel, stoat, badger, ferret or polecat? Answer next week.
Bye for now, P.B.
PARWICH.ORG 
I wonder if there is any connection to another incident in Surrey where a body was discovered in the embers of a bonfire, burnt to a crisp.
Hi Patti, much as I hate to admit it I’m afraid you have the advantage over me here ?. P.B.
I was referring to the opportunist ‘potato’ thief, S.Hal O’Fry. From Dorking.
Very good, you chip of the old block you !.
It helps when you are half baked!
Mercy! ,Mercy!.
There now follows a brief excerpt from Christmas at Downturn Abbey.
Xmas morning ,Lord Glumtham greets her Ladyship at breakfast. ” Good morning darling, Sleep well ?, “actually no Robert ,I really think the time has come for you to refrain from wearing your officers uniform to bed ,after all the war has been over sometime now, and your spurs are shredding the bed sheets, it’s not as if you saw any real action anyway darling is it ?,”I beg to differ , I chaired a meeting of the Home Guard at the Bull one evening risking life and limb”. I don’t really think the pub was high on the Luftwaffe’s hit list darling”, ” Well one must always be prepared to protect the underclasses, Noblesse Oblige and all that”. ” More coffee Robert ?”, ” no thank you darling ,I must get changed for luncheon”.( some time later ).
What a delicious luncheon Robert , spot more wine darling ?, ” no thank you
I must get changed for dinner”. ( sometime later Lord Glumtham and her Ladyship and their guests take their seats for Christmas dinner ). ” Ah Boots
have the staff pull the crackers for us ,there’s a good chap ” “certainly Sir”.
” What fun Robert ” exclaims her Ladyship ,” what’s your motto say Darling ?,
” Ha! Ha! Ha!,It says , Do the landed gentry suffer from stately piles ?,”, “Boots
see the staff get the turkey carcass will you “,Thank you my Lord, very generous if I may say so “,” Oh and Boots don’t forget to polish the Purdey’s
Boxing day shoot tomorrow” Yes my Lord “( Lord Grumtham and her Ladyship retire to bed, ). ” What a lovely day Robert ” , Yes my dear it certainly was “.
“Robert darling ,thank you so much for wearing your pyjamas to bed once again, but there is just the matter of your sword sticking in my back “,”that’s
not my sword dearest .Merry Christmas”.