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Hello possums. Any ideas about the teaser? No responses, is there anyone out there? Come on, have a go.

The Queen has recently recorded her Christmas Day message in 3D for the first time. It will be just like having Her Majesty in your own front room, so you will have to act with decorum: no rude noises, no switching over to Harry Potter halfway through, feet off the coffee table (bad form). If you do not have a pet corgi of your own, you can purchase a very lifelike one from Harrods that even does whoopsies on the carpet. If you are in any doubt about how to behave, Pippa Middleton’s guide to 3D royal etiquette is available in all good pound shops now.

Three U.S women were outraged when their dinner check arrived, identifying them as three fat girls in the corner. The manager of Chilly D’s Sports Lounge offered them a 25% discount whilst stifling a laugh, which added insult to injury. As a result, the ladies have advised their friends at Fannies Flab Fighters to boycott the restaurant in future. Jimmy Slim, the owner, was appalled by the actions of his staff and has stated categorically that it is not company policy to cause embarrassment to obese greedy customers.

It’s a sad farewell to Sir Patrick Moore, astronomer, musician, and bon viveur, who passed away recently. Among his many bequests, Lord Prescott is to receive Sir Patrick’s wardrobe of bespoke suits.

Darts fanatic Nathan Grindal caused a riot at a recent championship competition held at Butlins holiday camp in Minehead, due to his uncanny resemblance to Jesus Christ. Hysteria spread, with the crowd chanting “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.” The match was suspended for forty minutes whilst order was restored. Poor Nathan had to be content with watching the rest of the match on television in a nearby lounge for his own safety. Nathan was incensed as he had travelled a considerable distance. “Just wait till my dad hears about this”, he said. “There will be hell to pay.”

An escaped emu that caused traffic chaos in North London was finally cornered and arrested, after putting up stiff resistance kicking and pecking police officers in an effort to avoid capture. The emu has subsequently been convicted of public order offences and resisting arrest, and it now faces transportation to Botany Bay.

China is planning to grow vegetables on the moon. Tests are being conducted at the Chinese space exploration labs under controlled conditions, which have so far produced a variety of vegetables that will thrive on the moon and possibly supply future missions with sustenance. According to Professor Cham Ping Yong, mushrooms can be cultivated from tiny fungal spores into gigantic ones. So, it’s one small cep for man, one giant cep for mankind.

An endangered species of frog has become the unlikely recipient of royal status. The orange blotched Ecuadorian stream frog has been named “Hyloscirtus Prince Charles” in recognition of the Prince’s work to preserve endangered species. Prince Charles and Camilla joined an expedition to see the frogs in their natural habitat. On spotting three frogs complete with tadpoles, Camilla was so overcome with excitement that she gave Charles a big kiss. In an instant, Charles had turned into a frog and rapidly hopped off into the undergrowth. Camilla is now frantically searching for and kissing every frog that she encounters, in an effort to find her husband.

At a recent charity auction of James Bond film items, the now famous swimming trunks worn by Daniel Craig were sold for £44,500. The scene was reminiscent of Ursula Undress emerging from the ocean in a clinging wet white bikini in Dr No, and Craig gave it similar treatment in Casino Royale. The buyer still remains a mystery, but rumour has it he is an avid 007 fan with connections to organised crime and possibly involved in the illicit trade of budgie smuggling.

Bye for now,
P.B.