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Hello Possums, Happy New Year to one & all.

What a dismal wet Xmas it was, even our fairy leapt to her death from the top of the Xmas tree. The Churchillian spirit was well in evidence as the Legion was plunged into darkness on Xmas Eve, prompting a candlelit evening of imbibing and jollity. Who needs electricity? Anyone receive a sat-nav for Xmas? “Take the first turning on the right, straight on, at the top turn right, take the second turning on the left, you have now reached your destination, Halford’s cash desk”. I received an amazing exotic carnivorous plant for Xmas that turned out to be vegetarian; on Boxing day morning I discovered that it had eaten itself.

Following the death of Diane Manfriden of Iowa at the age of 115 years, Jiroeman KImura is now officially the World’s oldest person. He was born in Japan in 1897 whilst Queen Victoria was still on the throne. He attributes his longevity to the three S’s: Sushi, Saki and yes you’ve guessed it Sunshine. It’s a jolly good job he doesn’t live here.

Alun Morgan, an Englishman, baffled doctors, when regaining consciousness after a stroke, he was able to speak fluent Welsh. Although he was evacuated to Wales as a child during the War, he never learnt the national language. His condition is due to the so-called ‘foreign language syndrome’. Alun has since returned to Wales and burnt down his own holiday cottage in Abersoch.

Minneapolis USA: Dennis Miranski, 59, speaking to the local press after a fire destroyed his house said that his pet chicken ‘Cluck Cluck’ had saved their lives by alerting him and his family to the fire after smoke alarms had failed. Apparently ‘Cluck Cluck’ was almost dispatched due to her inability to lay eggs, but Dennis took pity on her and even let her sleep indoors on cold nights. “She has repaid Dennis’s clemency with interest” said his wife. Dennis and his wife are staying at the Black River Falls Hotel after leaving ‘Cluck Cluck’ with a neighbour. Dennis phoned them this morning to ask how she was. “Delicious!” they replied.

Tate Modern, London: A mop and bucket, scrubbing brush and a pair of marigolds inadvertently left behind by a cleaning lady have been awarded the coveted Turner Prize.

A Scotsman was rushed to hospital on Xmas day, after the gigantic portion of sprouts he had consumed reacted with his medication for a blood condition. After emergency surgery the man was expected to make a full recovery. The surgeon, who carried out the procedure, wrote in the Lancet that the man would go down in medical history as the only patient that had actually anaesthetised himself.

Two hapless Australian raiders, who tunnelled through a wall, which they believed would lead into a gold bullion dealers, ended up in a Kentucky fried chicken restaurant. But our intrepid Antipodeans making the best of a bad job made off with a $100.00 and a party size bucket of fried chicken. Appearing before a judge on Australia’s Gold Coast they were found guilty and each handed down a six month jail sentence and a packet of Rennies.

Hackney Wick, East London: A 75 year old public spirited lady was injured as she intervened in a robbery by two men attempting to steal wigs from a shop on Sunday afternoon. The men, two local villains, were arrested. They told police that their boss, a notorious East End mobster, who was suffering from acute constipation, had told them to go out and get him some syrup of figs.

The pride of the cruise lines industry ‘SS Novo Virus’ begins her maiden voyage tomorrow from Southampton; She will be launched with a bottle of ‘Pepto Bismal’; Boasting state of the art isolation wards, gastro pubs, the quarantine club and classical Roman vomitorium; All loos with sea views guaranteeing passengers the trip of a lifetime.

Ta Ta for now P.B.