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Hello Possums,

As the results of supermarket Christmas trading figures filter through, Morrison’s performed worst of all. As a result ‘Ant & Dec’ are to spearhead a new sales drive. A new gourmet range inspired by ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of here’ will be on their shelves soon. Delicacies will include kangaroo testes in a delicate fragrant Thai inspired curry sauce with steamed maggot rice, tarantula tortellini, tempura giant mealy bugs with chilli dip, creamy ostrich brain risotto, cockroach Quiche and Crocodile Dundee cake.

A Chicago man, dressed in a chicken costume to highlight the plight of factory reared birds in overcrowded conditions, who stood vigil outside a Kentucky fried chicken outlet, has been admitted to hospital after being subjected to a barrage of sauce sachets, soft drinks cans and chicken nuggets, followed by a beating from customers. He now is recovering in intensive care with five hundred other patients.

Equality is not for everyone.

Ladies of the night in the Brazilian city of Beloave are signing up in their droves for free English language lessons in preparation for the 2014 football World Cup. Their tutor is very pleased with the progress they are making. His star pupil Maria gave us a demonstration: “Ello Big Mac, show me your quarter pounder; Watcha, me old china plate, wanna feel of my McVities or a look at my Alan Whickers or how about a hot and sticky?; Eh up me duck, looking for a good time me owd?; I say old boy, fancy a bit of how’s your father?; What ho!”.

Earl Grey is not every ones cup of tea.

When a German bomber crash landed in a field on May 10th 1941, the womenfolk of Earlswood were quick to mobilise, grabbing anything that would suffice as a weapon, they marched three miles across a field to the site. The wounded wireless operator fearing for his life made his escape. As it turned out their objective was his pure silk parachute to share out and make into underwear. Two nights later Cynthia Cresswell had seductively stripped down to her frilly bloomers in front of her husband who was home on leave. He was very impressed by her new lingerie, but was intrigued by a label sewn onto the back. As he knew some German, he read it out: “Blast proof material also available in camouflage. If you find yourself in danger of capture behind enemy lines take off quickly and wave to signify surrender. May be reused, if untorn after first jump. Once off remain vigilant at all times to avoid being taken by surprise. Handle contents with care. Please return after the war.”

Devoted cat lover Fran Bailey has had the faces of her five late lamented pussies, Tinky, Woody, Mr Brush, Mr Spock and Bella, tattooed on her back. Her boyfriend Jack told his friend Charlie what she had on her back, he said: “Wow! I bet she is great fun to dance with“.

Trading standards officers are prosecuting a pub landlord in Derby who was found to be serving out of date Irish cream liqueur in his pub. His case will be heard at ‘The Old Baileys’ in London.

Bye for now .P.B.