PARWICH.ORG

Hello snow persons, I hope you are all sitting comfortably in your igloos this morning. It looks like Parwich is peppered with giant white molehills. By the way, gentlemen – if you ever find yourself as a guest of an Eskimo family for the night, you will most likely be offered the delights of your host’s wife for the duration, and to decline is definitely bad form. The major stumbling block is being able to tell them apart, so beware.

Midlothian county council is to mark “Love Your Library Day” on Feb 2 by staging free pole dancing classes to encourage people to use the facilities. Derbyshire Dales will be joining in the initiative with their mobile library service. Interested parties are invited to come along to the library on its next visit to the village. Suggested attire: Lycra leotards and non-slip ballet pumps; ladies’ outfits to be advised.

Plans to redevelop the World Heritage site of Lulworth Cove in Dorset have been attacked as a “suburban makeover for tourists”. The estate that owns the beach wants to convert a lavatory block into an upmarket seafood bistro, with rooftop terrace and convenience store. James Wild told planners that their objectives were still to get bums on seats, for a comfortable venue for visitors to come along and get crabs, etc.

Dogs could soon be banished from recreational areas in Welshpool. Councillor John Meredith said, “There were increasing incidents of dogs fouling on football pitches. In future, an offending dog will be shown a yellow card. A second offence will warrant a red card and a sending off, and may even incur a penalty.”

A female chimpanzee at the Seville zoo in Spain, when given a television remote control as an experiment, continually tuned in to the “adult” channel. Her keeper told us, “Gina is very interested in this form of entertainment, and she has even formed a swingers group with the other chimps.

The importance of carrying organ donor cards has been highlighted by the late Charlie Cruickshank, who was national champion of the family game “Operation”. He stressed that in the event of his untimely death, his organs should be donated to suitable recipients. A leading Harley Street transplant surgeon successfully removed Charlie’s spleen, lungs, pancreas, kidneys, liver and heart – all without sounding the buzzer.

Stay warm, Ta Ta for now,
PB