PARWICH.ORG

Thank you David how encouraging, your cheque is in the post.

Splendid news for the economic woes of Ashbourne, a real shot in the arm for local commerce. The impending arrival of … Wait for it … drum roll please maestro, … … … – ’The 99 pence store’ – guaranteed to revive the most jaded of market towns. The sheep drovers will return, the ancient cobbles will once again ring with the clatter of horses hooves, the market will become a magnet for buyers from far and wide, the ancient ale houses will overflow. Actually joking apart the town was so quiet on Thursday the traffic warden ticketed his own car.

Thank goodness the bins have finally been emptied, one more week and I think ours would have become scheduled ancient monuments and most likely would have been investigated by the ‘Time Team’ in years to come.

A wee bit further afield three Colombians, who attempted to rob a store at 2.00 in the morning, were forced to abort the raid when their getaway donkey began to bray and alerted police. The donkey named Xavi was heavily laden with tuna, rum, oil, sardines and rice; he was stolen in the northern town of Juan Da Costa 12 hours earlier. His owner known locally as stuttering Sam Gonzalves told police “eeeeaw eeeeaw eeeeaw eeeealways does that wwwwhen he’s overloaded”.

The Australian comedian Jumbo Bazoobi was issued with an on the spot fine of $300.00 by police after his goat Gary decimated the contents of a flower bed outside the art museum, However Jumbo’s lawyer argued the case on a technicality because the fine had been imposed on a person and not a goat. As there was no evidence of intentional vandalism on Jumbo’s part the case was summarily dismissed. The police officers involved now receive a chorus from their colleagues, “Who’ya gonna call? Goat busters.”

A second Irish county is considering a controversial proposal that would make it easier for people to drink and drive. Galway council will look at introducing exemptions for residents in rural areas to enable them to drink more and still drive home. We spoke to Shamus Malloy a regular at the ‘Fiddler’s Elbow’: we asked him would he would be happy to drive home after drinking three or four pints; he said “I’d be a lot happier after seven or eight pints”.

A woman was reunited with her handbag seven years after it was stolen by an opportunist thief. Council workmen discovered the bag just 300 yards from Parveen Ashraf’s house; the contents were all intact including her purse. “It’s a miracle” said Parveen” my purse originally contained £250.00 but I only counted £230.00, it must have been those light fingered council workers”.

Now then long suffering men of Parwich; it’s official that man flue does exist. Research has proven that men’s brains have more temperature receptors which cause the symptoms of coughs, colds and flu to be felt more severely. So take note ladies, from now on hubby if stricken must receive lots and lots of T.L.C, lots of rest, warmth and soothing hot toddies and cuddles.

It was announced in the press yesterday that Pamela the wife of Eric Basset managing director of ‘Jolly Jelly Babies’ sweet manufacturers has after undergoing months of IVF treatment at a Harley Street fertility clinic become the proud mother of quintuplets: one orange, one green, one yellow, one black and one red.

Remember there is no present like the time. Ta Ta for now P.B.