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Hello Fellow Earthlings,

Well the big burger scandal rumbles on; at least we know for sure what one of the ingredients is; ask any French butcher what is the toughest part of a horse and he will tell you it’s the saddle. Has anyone analysed salami or hot dogs or that mouth-watering doner kebab, that is a must for every pub and club goer at the end of the evening, that indescribable lump oozing grease as it merrily revolves night after night; ‘Bon Appetite’.

Well Ashbourne will soon be bracing itself for the annual ‘Shrovetide’: Upard’s and Downard’s locked in gladiatorial combat, Of course the game was originally played with a human head, but this barbaric practice ceased in 1985. Allegedly many an old score has been settled in the mayhem of “The HUG”. Much further afield in days of yore, Captain Bligh and loyal members of his crew, after being relieved of their ship and awaiting rescue on the Pitcairn Islands, amused themselves by rolling coconuts at turtles on the beach, a game which became known as terrapin bowling.

Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall arrived by tandem at the London underground to celebrate its 150 years in operation. Surprisingly enough a brand new but empty ‘S Stock’ train was laid on for the royal couple, so there was no problem finding a seat, so sparing them a taste of the ordeal faced every day by strap hanging commuters. Throughout the three-minute journey the … (any one of a delicate disposition look away now) … ‘the Public’ were kept well away from the V.I.P’s. The Duchess, being an avid Harry Potter fan, was escorted to platform nine & three-quarters, the departure point for the Hogwarts express, where she was presented with an £8.00 souvenir photo and a broomstick.

York, Pennsylvania: David Kime, a lifelong fast food devotee, who died recently at the age of 88, was given a most appropriate send off. His funeral cortege passed through ‘Burger King’s’ drive-through, where he received a twenty-one bun salute from staff. His daughter said “Daddy’s idea of healthy eating was the lettuce and tomato on his double whopper. If there is a heaven, Daddy will have a deep-fried onion ring for a halo“. There were forty burgers ordered for the mourners, including one for David; 32 medium, seven well done and one cremated, Restaurant manager, Margaret Hess, said with a tear in her eye “David was a loyal customer to the end, regular as clockwork, mind you that’s no surprise“.

Recently developed walking boots with revolutionary soles made of lightweight graphite have been criticized by environmental groups because of their carbon footprints.

The amazing ‘Whizzo’, the human cannonball from the Bonanza Big Top Circus, is seeking a trainee of similar calibre.

A young Tunisian man has died after consuming 28 raw eggs, after accepting a wager from friends. A family spokesman said “The bet was for an undisclosed sum, believed to be a poultry amount“.

Mexican police are searching for twenty members of a band that have mysteriously vanished after a gig, the group that play Colombian vallento music have not been heard of. It is believed that a drugs cartel may have been instrumental in their disappearance.

Remember: “Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder“.

Bye for now P.B.