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Hello possums.

Following months of painstaking examinations, the remains exhumed from beneath a Leicester council car park have finally been confirmed as those of King Richard III. The next challenge is to locate the remains of King Alfred, the great a notable reformer and peacemaker but certainly no contender for the ‘Great British Bake Off’.

Just as you thought it was safe to go back into the supermarket, a Tesco’s customer has discovered a tooth embedded in one of his sausages. The offending item was submitted for analysis: a Tesco’s spokesman has it straight from the horse’s mouth that the tooth in question was in fact of human origin. What a relief! In the ongoing saga: ‘Wither-spoons’ have stopped serving burgers and ‘Lanca-Shire’ hotpot; Ladbrokes have cancelled the ‘1,000 guineas maiden-steaks’; ‘Pizza Express’ will now be known as ‘Pony Express’. In fact a recent ‘Gallop Poll’ has suggested that consumers are boycotting processed foods all together.

Struggling for culinary temptations for a St Valentines supper? Pippa to the rescue with her latest suggestions: Cream of Heartichoke soup, Oysters Casanova, Passion fruit sorbet, Chicken Korma-Sutra, Lady Chatterley’s liver with fifty shades of gravy, Forbidden Fruits of the forest cheesecake, Randy snaps with whipped cream, and coffee much later!

Bookmakers are offering good odds if you can predict the royal babies name: for instance: 1000/1 Tiggy, 500/1 Camilla, 100/1 Chantelle, 7/2 Pollyanna; and for the boys, 1000/1 Jedward 500/1 Wayne, 50/1 Sylvester,25/1 Eric.

In Athens hundreds of Greeks fought over free vegetables being distributed by disgruntled farmers in a protest over production costs. The free for all suddenly turned nasty as scuffles broke out. Three people were treated for cauliflower ears, one man suffered severe head injuries and will most likely be in a vegetative state for the rest of his life. Some people were squashed in the chaos; local police arrested eighteen people for disturbing the peas.

Lord Prescott has suffered yet another blow to his diminutive ego. After failing in his attempt to secure the lucrative position of police commissioner for Humberside his nemesis Peter Mandelson has been appointed as trade and goodwill ambassador in Prezza’s own backyard. Alas “two jabs” was not even aware of the appointment adding insult to injury; Mandleson, who “Prezza” once compared to a crab, has turned and nipped him back. Good show.

Peter Leach, a former Royal navy man, whilst touring New Zealand’s South Island, was relieved of $1,100.00 by a native Kea parrot that flew in through the window of his camper van and snatched the loot from his dashboard whilst he was taking photographs. Local police have found no trace of the parrot or the money, and have concluded that it has probably fled the country. ‘Inter Polly’ have been asked to assist in the investigation.

Oxford, Missouri: A scheduled boxing match at the All-star family Circus between a human and a kangaroo has been cancelled indefinitely due to health and safety fears, when it was revealed that the kangaroo’s last opponent was stretchered off in agony after suffering a low punch in the billabongs.

A Russian woman, who met a tattooist on an online chat room, after falling madly in love on their first date, allowed him to tattoo his name in large Gothic script on her face as a token of her undying love for him. After he proposed to her, she saw no harm in having an early honeymoon rehearsal. Alas it was bingo first time, and she became pregnant, and to make things worse her ‘fiancé’ had disappeared. On her first visit to the ante natal clinic there in the waiting room were six women all with ‘Rasputin’ tattooed on their faces.

Such is life!

Bye for now, P.B.