PARWICH.ORG

Hello Possums,

If anybody is reading this we will have been spared what in astronomical terms is a near miss, or in lay man’s terms coming within a gnats eye brow of a disaster, as an asteroid, 150ft wide and travelling at a speed of five miles a second, passed by at a mere 17,000 miles and went on its merry way into infinity. This rascal is the closest ever recorded, and would be capable of generating the explosive force of 1,000 atom bombs. To put it in a nutshell an area the size of London would be turned into an abyss; ignorance is bliss eh!

An Australian business man has revealed his plans to turn a redundant mortuary into a luxury hotel. The mortuary was once part of a lunatic asylum and still boasts many of the original features such as marble slabs, refrigeration cabinets and embalming equipment. Guests can be pampered with a sumptuous massage on one of the slabs followed by a stiff drink, the ‘rigor mortis house cocktail’. There is the cadaver suite available for conferences, and for that special wedding the autopsy honeymoon suite. A gore-met restaurant is also in the plans. The project is not without its critics however. one leading hotel critic stated that he wouldn’t be seen dead staying there.

In the small town of Glasnov, 600 miles east of Moscow, a 13 metre high monument, modelled on a bottle of vodka, the nation’s favourite tipple, erected to highlight the hazards of over indulgence, has been demolished by a drunk driver. Local councillor, Karl Popov, told reporters it was not the kind of impact that we had intended.

Pizza Hut have launched their own fragrance to coincide with St Valentine’s day; Eau-de-Pizza, with its highly cheesy fragrance, is proving very popular among diners. The only drawback is that the initial scent, with its supposed aphrodisiac quality, deteriorates into a pungent garlic and jalapeno with an increase in body temperature. Following a recent incident in a Pizza Hut, where an amorous couple were overcome with the fragrance and subsequently decimated the salad bar in a passionate clinch, it has been suggested that the fragrance is only applied in the privacy of your own home.

A 58 year old Sri Lankan convict, serving ten years for theft, secreted a stolen mobile phone, smuggled in by his wife, in a certain part of his anatomy to avoid it being confiscated in a search of his cell. Unfortunately for him the ring tone sounded and alerted the guards. The phone was later removed in the prison infirmary and has since been returned to its original owner.

Civic leaders in Glasgow have stated that peaceful extra terrestrials would be extended the warm hand of friendship if they visit the city, but do not recommend that they do so on a Saturday night. It is suspected that alien scouts may already have infiltrated the local populace, as a strange-looking person was overheard asking a pair of bagpipes for directions. Welcome packs are being prepared which include a haggis a bottle of ‘Irn Bru’, a copy of the Broon’s, a Rab C Nesbitt string vest and benefits book, a “See you Jimmy” phrase book, a bottle opener and a guide to Glasgow city hospitals’ A&E departments.

A nine-year old Mexican girl has astounded all and sundry by giving birth after managing to conceal her pregnancy from her parents. Her mother told investigators that she thought they were watching cartoons, when asked if she had ever raised the subject of the birds and the bees with her daughter she said “I sure did, but she wouldn’t tell me nothin“. The ten-year old father is not shirking his responsibilities, he is building a house for them from Lego and he is having Buzz Lightyear for best man and Barbie & Ken for godparents.

Stay vigilant, Bye for now, P.B