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Hello Possums

Firstly I must deal with an unpleasant occurrence, a complaint from Mr Bill W. Bill told me that his beauty sleep is being disturbed because his wife Anne is reading the ‘Weedkiller’ on her kindle in bed, and chuckling well into the wee hours. He also told me that in the past by the time Ann had finished her whelks and jellied eels and drank her cocoa he would normally have been fast asleep. Our apologies Bill.

On a lighter note I am sure you will all welcome Peter T, who beat off stiff competition to secure the lucrative post of chief illustration executive with portfolio for the ‘Weedkiller Weekly’. Peter discovered his artistic talent in his early days as a pavement artist, until the slabs became too heavy for him, Peter is also a founder member of the Impressionist movement but never quite mastered his Tommy Cooper. You are most likely unaware that Peter is in desperate need of some new sandals but is too proud to ask for help; Peter is a member of M.E.N.S.A, My Emergency New Sandals Appeal, and the I.L.L (I Love Lucozade). Any discreet contributions will be most welcome.

Much further afield, Dolly Harris, an Australian barmaid, has been fined the equivalent of £400 for exposing her ample breasts to customers and performing her party piece by crushing beer cans between them. Her off duty work colleague was also fined for balancing spoons on Dolly’s nipples. Both acts being in serious contravention of Australia’s licensing laws. Dolly was, at the age of 89, the Premier Hotel in Pinjarra’s longest-serving barmaid up until her decision to retire due to stress caused by recent events.

If you thought that the morbid fear of being buried alive was confined to the paranoid Victorians you would be wrong. Their obsession with catalepsy, which induces a coma like state virtually indistinguishable from death, is alive and well. Some Victorians would insist on being buried with a bell to ring for help in the event of them waking up .There were suspicions however that beneficiaries of large bequests would bribe undertakers to remove the clangers. Recent research has revealed that people would insist on being buried with their life savings and mobile phones and some would want to be buried in their own gardens. One funeral director told us of a recent case of an Irishman who had left instructions that his life savings of £750.000 and, taking no chances, two mobile phones be placed in his coffin. We asked if he had requested to be buried in his own garden, but apparently he was insisting on being cremated.

A family home was saved from disaster by quick thinking ‘roly poly’ mum, Jenny Smith, who smothered a chip pan fire with her size twenty knickers soaked in water. The local fire chief praised her actions under pressure, but said it is advisable to have a fire blanket on hand for such emergencies. He told Jenny that a fire safety adviser would pop round shortly to debrief her.

Tesco’s are in trouble again after a sales director discovered a five inch long dead bird in his baby leaf salad which his wife had served with his steak and chips. The bird has since been identified as a Blackcap European Warbler a native of Spain and Italy but recently over wintering in huge numbers in the U.K, A Tesco’s spokesman told us the washed & ready to eat baby leaf salad was part of a special offer: buy three and get the ‘cheepest’ one free.

In these days of austerity one would expect her majesty the Queen to set an example with a modicum of frugality. Whilst greeting Australia’s new high commissioner in the first floor room of Buckingham palace one can clearly see an electric fire in the hugely ornate fireplace with both bars aglow; sheer extravagance; bad form.

Following successful trials in the south, Sainsbury’s are to incorporate doctors’ surgeries into their stores further afield. However colostomy patients will be asked if they have used any of their own bags, and for expectant mothers there will be a home delivery service.

Bye for now P.B