PARWICH.ORG

Hello Possums

Everyone survived the Easter break? Good.

The B.B.C has issued an apology to viewers watching the annual boat race, after Oxford’s cox spurred his crew on to victory with a barrage of clearly audible expletives, which were picked up via his radio microphone. The television watchdog committee have stated that any future transgressions would ultimately result in the race being broadcast after the watershed.

From a list of recommended hygiene procedures to reduce the risk of the dreaded novo virus whilst on your cruise: “avoid on board launderettes, avoid public lavatories and go on deck whenever possible.”

David Cameron, whilst in the Cotswolds, came to the rescue of a stricken ewe who had become stuck in a quagmire, whilst attempting to save her two lambs. After wading waist deep, he managed to haul the ewe to safety, but alas the lambs perished. Labour leader, Ed Milliband, said, “This is a desperate publicity stunt by an increasingly desperate Prime Minister, leader of a desperate government in a desperate country in a desperate world in a desperate universe to belittle the remarkable achievements of the last Labour Government.”

Chris Leslie, the shadow treasury minister, is quoted as saying, “The best way to get the benefits bill down is to get our economy growing strongly and get people back to work“. Pure genius.

It’s onward and upwards for Pippa Middleton, as she challenges Boris Johnson to a game of ‘Whiff Whaff’ (or ping pong to the likes of us). Her only stipulation is that she can use her favourite bat: a Dunlop Blackstorm Nemesis (everybody got that?), which will soon be available in selected Waitrose stores. Incidentally Pope Francis has returned Pippa’s signed copy of “Celebrate” due to some confusion over the spelling of the title.

A pioneering ban on the sale of alcopops and super strength lagers and ciders has resulted in a fifty percent fall in cases of anti social behaviour. A government statistician has said “As a result of this ban the House Of Commons bar has become a much more civilized venue to enjoy a drink or two“.

Headline: “Litaricy test for leven yere ols is floored ,Clams acidimik.”

“TOP SECRET“:
“Hi! Tony, it’s me George, Can you talk?”
“It’s David actually, David Cameron. Who’s calling?”
“It’s George W Bush, can I speak to Tony?”
“He isn’t here George”
“When will he be back David?”
“Well actually he won’t be George, I am prime minister now you see, what can I do for you?”
“Ask not what you can do for me David, ask what I can do for you”
“Ok George go ahead”
” Well I thought you and I could sort this North Korean problem out pronto just like the old days, waddya say buddy?”
“Easier said than done George, seeing as you aren’t president anymore”
” I’m not?”
“No George it’s Barrack Obama, he’s in his second term”
“Oh well never mind, back to the drawing board, thanks for calling anyway David, give my regards to Cherie, So long buddy”.

Ed Milliband has told how he relishes the fame of being an instantly recognizable celebrity politician and having strangers approach him in the street, apparently just the other day a complete stranger came up to him and said “Give me your mobile phone, watch and wallet or I’ll punch your ruddy lights out“.

Relieved staff at the National Mississippi River Museum have found ‘Cashew’ an eighteen pound Leopard tortoise, he was discovered in an elevator by a visitor. His keeper told us that he somehow vanished from his compound one morning and had been on the run for three days.

An official government study has concluded that the number of Romanians and Bulgarians destined for the U.K next year, when restrictions are lifted, is impossible to predict, and we are woefully unprepared for such an influx. The Foreign Office have issued a statement, from their new headquarters in The Bahamas, saying that there is no need to panic.

According to property website Zoopla, properties situated on streets or roads beginning with U can add up to £70,000 to the value of the property, which of course is a nonsense.

FOR SALE: The Cottage on the Green, Upper Main St, Parwich.

By for now Paul B.