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Hello Possums

It has been quite a week at home and abroad, an amazing send off for the iron lady, an inspiring example of professionalism and precision from all involved, nobody does it better. Incidentally Mrs T almost missed her calling in politics, as her father wanted her to develop his butter production in their Grantham grocers shop, but our Maggie told him “The lady is not for churning“.

Did anyone else watch Brian Blessed in ‘Have I got burst eardrums for you’? Truly astounding.

Australia: 67 year old Claude Harvey has succeeded in pushing his lawnmower a distance of 2000 kilometres up the Queensland coast to Cairns in aid of a children’s charity. His brother Joey said “Well, I’ll throw my didgeridoo in the billabong; I didn’t think he’d do it“. We asked Joey why he didn’t have much faith in his brother; “Oh no it’s not that, those tractor mowers weigh tons, I thought the silly old fool would kill himself“.

Japan: Iwao Hakamada has laid claim to being the oldest prisoner on death row, clocking up a total of 44 years & 5 months for killing four people in an arson attack. After finally exhausting all avenues of appeal the date has finally been set for his execution. His last meal request is for Sea Urchin & Squid Ink Soup, a large platter of Sushi including Caviar, Lobster & King Crab, poached Fillets Of Puffer Fish sautéed in Saki, a 16oz Wagu Fillet Steak, Wasabi Mustard, Shiitake Mushrooms, French Fries and Nasi Goreng, followed by poached Lychee in Champagne and Napoleon Brandy and a diet coke!

California: A man claimed that Zombies clinging onto the wagon that he had stolen from a weighbridge had caused him to lose control. Jeremiah Hartline collided with several vehicles before flipping the big rig, which disgorged tons and tons of strawberries causing a massive jam.

U.S.A: Franklin Bugny was recently found guilty of assaulting a police officer whilst he attempted to serve her a summons for violent behaviour. The court heard that she rammed him with a shopping cart and stuffed an egg flan in his face. She was remanded in custardy whilst awaiting sentence.

Keeping up with the Jones’s? Forget about the high spec motor on your drive, the manicured lawns, the outdoor jacuzzi, the state of the art entertainment system, the inside toilet. According to a recent survey having more intimacy than your neighbours is the in thing. We spoke to Sidney Flower 79 & his wife Nellie 77, who told us that they were totally exhausted after newlyweds had moved in next door to them.

The new George Foreman multi toaster goes on sale today, it does ten rounds.

One of the least popular girl’s names is Ivy, according to a recent poll but it does tend to grow on you after a while.

The Newcastle United ‘fan’, who punched a police horse, is apparently racked with contrition. Sobbing and inconsolable, he said “I’m so sorry, I love animals really“. His face masked with a supporters scarf so the horse could not recognize him, the incapacitated benefits claimant went on the rampage, blaming a combination of medication and alcohol for his out of character actions. He said, he felt threatened as the out of control police horse, foaming at the mouth charged at him, causing him to act in self-defence. Hmmmmm!

Children should strive to be gardeners not celebrities, says gardening expert, TV chat show host, Royal interviewer, classic F.M presenter, Chelsea flower show regular and jolly good all-rounder, Alan Titchmarsh. Hmmmmm!

Now ladies, if hubby rolls up a little worse for wear it’s not his fault: a report in the Neuro-psycho-pharmacology Journal states that just one sip of beer is sufficient to trigger the urge for more. The brain releases dopamine, a chemical that neutralizes the fear of repercussions, when one has a skinful. Interesting, eh?

Recent headlines:

• Habitual drunk gets nine months in violin case.
• Prostitutes appeal to the Pope.
• And finally some words of wisdom.
• Never lock your door with a boiled carrot (Irish).
• When you go to a donkey’s house, don’t talk about ears (Jamaican).
• Dry pants catch no fish (Bulgarian).
• Wives be like pilchards, when they be good they be middlin’, when they be bad they be bad (English).
• Invitation is the sincerest form of flattery (Parwich).

Bye for now. Paul B.