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Hello Possums

A letter intended for president Obama, containing the deadly poison ricin, has been intercepted by security agents and marked return to sender. Paul Curtis, a deluded Elvis impersonator from Mississippi, admitted the offence, saying he believed he had uncovered a government conspiracy to sell transplant organs on the black market. We asked his attorney if he was confident of an acquittal, and he said, “Let’s put it this way, I sincerely hope that he has ‘Jailhouse Rock’ in his repertoire“.

Heavy metal music is the secret to successfully growing strong healthy disease resistant plants, according to a leading gardening specialist. Black Sabbath is a particular greenhouse favourite that has them rocking in their pots. Alas there are no congratulations for the evergreen Peter Pan of pop, Cliff Richards, as his horticultural audience all perished, not even the young ones survived. Plants that were serenaded by Sir Tom Jones did exceptionally well, but apparently it’s not unusual.

The Turin shroud, after centuries of speculation and doubt, has finally been authenticated as the cloth that Jesus Christ’s body was wrapped in after being taken down from the cross. Unfortunately the relic has been ruined by a cleaning lady whilst awaiting preparation for temporary display in a Yorkshire museum. Nellie Battersby told the head curator, “Eeeee by eck, I’d never seen owt so grubby, all them stains and whatnot, so I give it a bloody good scrub in bleach and fairy liquid and it’s come up as good as new“.

A man living on state handouts was asked his opinion on the benefits cap, “I’ll ‘ave one if they’re givin’ them away mate“.

A company in America have developed ladies personal security knickers which, if interfered with, deliver a powerful taser shock whilst simultaneously transmitting a distress signal. Whilst we were conducting market research into the practicality of such apparel, we spoke to a rather curious looking young lady having a cigarette outside a bar; she told us, “I don’t need them honey“. She further said in a gruff voice “Anyone that gets inside my knickers will be in for an even bigger shock“.

A Japanese brewer has created an ale brewed from coffee beans reclaimed from elephant dung. The ale, known as Kono Kuru or chocolate stout, will be an expensive tipple, as 35gr of the beans costs £65.00. To expedite the process the elephants are dosed with copious amounts of laxatives, the outcome being known as the jumbo jet. As the beer is so expensive it is only served in nips.

Bogshaws International property agents:

For Sale with vacant possession two very desirable countries, Romania & Bulgaria; price on application.

David Whippie from Utah has hung onto a McDonald’s hamburger for 14 years, we believe the previous record was 10 minutes.

As predicted, our very own salt of the working classes, Lord Prescott, has strongly voiced his outrage at the cost of Lady Thatcher’s funeral service to the British taxpayer, which incidentally works out at 6p for every person. I will personally be reimbursing his Lordship forthwith. He told the House of Lords “Profligacy on such a grand scale has not been witnessed since Labour were last in power”. Setting an example, ‘Prezza’ has insisted on a more frugal burial at sea, we have been informed however that his wishes cannot be carried out until he has passed away.

TOP SECRET

Weedkiller Weekly agents have intercepted the following call:

“Theresa darling, Abu Qatada here, how are you darling?”

“Abu sweetheart how lovely to hear your voice, I’m fine, thank you”

“Theresa you know I’m so desperate to return to Jordan but I’m thwarted at every turn it’s those damn human rights people it’s so not fair.”

“Oh Abu precious my heart is breaking but there is a glimmer of hope, a temporary withdrawal from the convention and you could be packing your bags my sweet.”

“Oh Theresa is this a dream that I could awaken from at any moment?”

“Don’t despair Abu but we just have to hope that Cleggy doesn’t throw a spanner in the works.”

“May Allah strike him dumb and castrate his camels Theresa.”

“Fret not Abu I’ll be in touch, MMMWA MMMWA. Bye Darling.”

This week’s proverbs:

• The man who goes nowhere leaves no footprints (Parwich)
• Give a dog an appetizing name then eat him (Chinese)
• Many a time a good man fell on a cowpat (Irish)
• Do your neighbours bother you? Lend them money (Italian)
• Experience can only be gained by experience (Parwich)
• Some friends are like mosquito’s, when they have had their fill of you they just buzz off (Parwich)

Bye for now Paul B.