PARWICH.ORG

Hello Possums,

Everybody basking in the bank holiday sunshine? You might be battling with your BBQ, cursing yourself for not cleaning it last time you used it, or having a quiet word with your cantankerous lawn mower. Never mind, crack open a tinny me old cobber, and watch the world go by.

A man has discovered a human ear whilst walking his dog in a graveyard. Police have cordoned off the grounds of St Mary the Virgin Church in Aylesbury, and are treating it as a potential crime scene. The coroner has ruled that a proper hearing is out of the question until the other ear is found.

Roy Knapp from Leicester has contacted Weedkiller’s publicity dept, regarding his attempt to paddle 110 miles along a canal in a galvanized tin bathtub. He is aiming to raise funds for children seriously injured in sporting activities. We told him we would be more than delighted to give him a plug.

U.S.A: The manager of a mobile home park, who called on an elderly couple to collect rent arrears, was greeted by an awful smell when the man finally opened the door. On entering he discovered the lady’s body in an advanced state of decomposition, lying on a sofa bed. After it was ascertained that she had died from natural causes, her lifelong partner William appeared in court for not reporting the death. In mitigation he told the judge, “I should have realized there was something amiss, but, after years and years of nagging, I was relishing the peace and quiet“.

No more porridge for badly behaved prisoners. Inmates, who at present enjoy languishing in their cells watching Sky television with access to adult channels, will in future have to earn such perks by working hard, developing respect for authority and keeping their noses clean. Of course, if they had adhered to this ethic, they would not be there in the first place.

John Wayne was the casters’ first choice for the role of Lawrence Of Arabia, but turned down the part saying, “No way am I riding one of those sissy horses with humps“. The role eventually went to Peter O’Toole.

Right lads if you are desperate to impress your heart’s desire: according to a recent survey fifty-two percent of women are most impressed by men with no fear of spiders. Giants of men have been reduced to blubber by the sight of one of these hairy scampering arachnids. It’s a big ask boys, but grab a Tarantula and sweetie will melt in your arms.

Sadly the long running Time Team is to become a thing of the past, as no new series are to be commissioned, but stalwart Tony Robinson is taking it firmly on the chin, saying, “It will be a sad day, but we will be saying goodbye with a few bottles of Geo-Fizz“.

A cider drinking goose, called Jack, has become a firm favourite of locals at the Crown pub in Market Drayton. We asked the landlord if Jack ever got a bit worse for wear “Well I must say he gets carried away once in a while, but I just tell him to go sling his hook“.

Incredible, page ten of the newspaper and no Pippa Middleton, well not until the next page. She has attended more weddings than Zsa Zsa Gabor, who once famously said “I am the most proficient house keeper darlink: I get divorced, I keep the house“.

The government has announced sweeping reforms for long-term benefits claimants who are fit to work; they will each be issued with a brush.

Profile of a Parwich villager, C S:

Colin will be appearing at Edinburgh’s fringe festival later this year with his own unique stand up comedy routine. Colin hones his act every Saturday evening at Parwich RBL from 5-45. He had a promising tennis career ahead of him at one time, but a mistimed victory leap over the net at Wimbledon ruined his prospects. Colin entertained the troops during the war, but the Germans couldn’t grasp his humour .He cut his comedy teeth at Butlin’s holiday camp, coming third out of three in a talent competition, narrowly losing to Siamese twin ventriloquists and a thirty stone transvestite contortionist. After a brief period as landlord of the ‘Whingeing Pom’ pub in Alice Springs, Colin started a company making dog kennels, but pretty soon ‘Cats Eyes’ Colin was taking to the skies in the battle of Britain, claiming seven kills: four Canada geese, two carrier pigeons and a blimp. He has appeared on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’, ‘The X Factor’ and ‘Stars in Your Eyes’, selling ice creams. Good luck Colin, break a leg.

Weedkiller is pleased to welcome Miss Penny Pincher, our guest Agony Aunt:

Dear Mr & Mrs Spindle,

Thank you for your letter, I completely understand your apprehension at the prospect of your teenage son returning to live with you. The all night raves, swingers’ nights, deafening music, cans and bottles, fast food debris, drugs and behaviour of a sexual nature. All I can say is, if he wants to live under your roof once again, he will have to put up with it.

Work has begun on construction of a new Coronation Street set within the grounds of Strangeways prison.

Weedkiller Weekly’s word definitions:

• Analogy: Something that makes you sneeze.
• Abandon: entertainment provided.
• Abreast: One of two.
• Abundance: Bakers disco.
• Acorn: Painful growth on the foot.
• Adamant: A ruddy garden pest.
• Polygon: A dead parrot.
• Mislay: A promiscuous young woman.
• Mislays: Two promiscuous young women.
• Vicarious: A parson who owes money.

Ta Ta for now, Paul B.