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Hello Possums,

This week saw the state opening of parliament. For the first time, Her Majesty the Queen was accompanied by Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall. The Prince looked resplendent sporting more medals and orders than the Imperial War Museum, including a frequent flier badge on loan from Prince Andrew. However, some minutes into the proceedings, the Queen was rudely interrupted by an extremely noisy marching band outside. Slamming down her notes, she stormed outside to remonstrate with them. “Will you lot keep quiet, One is trying to make a speech” she yelled. A burly band master approached and said “Who the **** do you think you are, Dame Helen Mirren?“

The Italians are in the headlines again for doing what they do best, fleecing the tourists, robbery without violence. The Antica Roma ice cream parlour, adjacent to the famous Spanish Steps, charged four Brits £50.00 for three scoops of ice cream, whipped cream extra, toppings extra, sit down extra, breathe the air extra. The Mayor has apologized profusely and offered the tourists a tour of the city as recompense. Unfortunately luncheon is not included, as the Mayor considers the restaurants a complete rip off.

An air ambulance was forced to land in the elephant enclosure at Colchester zoo to attend to a visitor with breathing difficulties. The elephants were ushered inside whilst the drama unfolded, Nellie the matriarch said “Thank goodness we’re inside girls, did you see the size of that mosquito?”

Butcher, Simon Thornton, got the shock of his life when he discovered that vandals had scrawled a huge representation of the male genitalia in his freshly prepared concrete, intended for extra parking. But Simon was not too phased; he told us that sales of Cumberland sausage and Scotch eggs had increased tenfold.

A men’s hairdressers’ in Brisbane is offering clients various services by topless stylists dressed only in hot pants or skimpy underwear. On offer are haircuts, eye brow waxing, blow dries, massages and shaves with old-fashioned cut throat razors. We spoke to Digger Clarke, a one-armed crocodile hunter, he said, “Well at the end of the day, I suppose it’s just a bit of fun, but me and the lads would have preferred sheilas if given the choice“.

An Irish naturist, strolling around the hills of Provence in the altogether, was blissfully unaware that he was being observed by the nuns of The Congregation Of St Jean, who in a scene reminiscent of a Benny Hill Sketch gave chase. The mother superior told us that they were inhibited by their cumbersome habits, but if they had caught him he would have been surrendered to the police (after a week or two).

HEADLINES

• Fergie to retire, Queen offers grace and favour yurt in Outer Mongolia.
• Paul McCartney was besieged by a swarm of grasshoppers whilst performing live at a venue in Brazi. A spokesperson told us “Paul always regretted buying Heather Mills that book on sorcery and witchcraft one Christmas“.
• You will never appreciate how many friends you have until you hire a waste skip.
• I hate holidays: myriads of foreigners, tummy upsets, inflated prices, greasy tired fish and chips, lousy beer, pickpockets, beggars and midges; I’m thinking of going abroad this year.

Ronnie Corbett is endorsing a range of ready meals delivered to your door. Apparently, delicious as they are, one may get a wee bit of indigestion. Ronnie told us this has given him inspiration for a new sitcom,’The Two Rennie’s‘.

Some more word definitions:

• Airless ———– A bald Cockney
• Alloy ————- A Brummy friend
• Aloe-Vera  —– Greeting from Jack Duckworth,
  in Corrie
• Anise ———— Sister’s daughter
• Archive  ——– Where Noah put the bees before the flood
• Arctic  ———– Large refrigerated truck
• Argy Bargy — Argentinean narrow boat
• Accolade —— Award winning soft drink
• Airwaves —— Cockney perm
• Antics ———– Old items of value

Mahatma Gandhi’s sandals and few meagre possessions are expected to realize £250.000 pounds at auction in Shropshire. Gandhi, who was assassinated in 1948, was once compared to a homeless cobra, because he didn’t have a pot to hiss in.

Bye for now Paul B.