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Hello Possums,

Everyone in fine fettle? Good.

Seattle, Washington: Keen gardeners, from far and wide, flung off their clothes in celebration of the tenth anniversary of world naked gardening day. The organizer, Mark Storey, conducted a survey among members, and discovered that, funnily enough, gardening came a close second in the popularity stakes of unclothed activities. Just be jolly careful with those pruning shears girls.

Coronation Street is facing meltdown, after an effigy of Ken Barlow was defaced by vandals, whilst on display in a replica set of the Rovers Return at Madame Tussaud’s waxworks museum. I say “Bring back Ena Sharples, Minnie Caldwell and Martha Longhurst. Three milk stouts and a bit of juicy gossip about Albert Tatlock. There were no hanky-panky in them days, tha knows.” 

Ruth Levy was left gobsmacked, when a congratulatory E Card, intended for her ninety year friend, Dick, celebrating his ninetieth birthday, was rejected by Marks and Spencer’s as containing a profanity. She also received a rebuke from the company for something she considered completely innocent. In the end Richard received his card by post. So if Ed Balls has a birthday coming up his friends should take heed.

Sir Michael Caine was christened Maurice Micklewhite. He chose his stage name in 1954 whilst using a public phone box in Leicester Square, where he spotted an ad for ‘The Caine Mutiny’ showing at the Odeon cinema. His close friend, also an up and coming actor, who was next to use the telephone, called himself ‘Alfie’s Taxis’.

A town council decided that flying the Cross of St George would most likely offend the towns sixteen Muslim residents. Representatives of Radstock Council, in Somerset, believed that the red and white symbol, that was carried during the Crusades a thousand years ago, could still cause upset. There is to be a public meeting at ‘The Saracens Head Inn’ tonight to try to resolve the issue.

Nine illegal immigrants, of Somali origin, were spotted running from the rear of a stationary lorry, held up in traffic on the M.26. Not such an unusual occurrence these days you might think, except the men were covered from head to toe in flour. The fugitives were easily apprehended making for the village of Orford in Kent, and taken to the U.K border agency at Dover. The investigating officer asked the only one who could speak any English why they had covered themselves with flour? He said ”We paid this man our money, and he told us to do this, ‘cos the police don’t bother white folks over here.

Do you know that most English villages boast a pub and a church? One you enter through the ancient hallowed portals, take a pew, instant euphoria, your hunger satisfied, your thirst quenched, you will hear many words of wisdom, you will be among friends, uplifted and spiritually fortified you are ready to face the world again. The other one is where you can pray and sing hymns.

Weedkiller’s word definitions:

• Amnesia —-— Can’t remember that one
• Autocue —–— Traffic Jam
• Aftermath —– Next lesson
• Blood count — Dracula
• Autopsy ––—- Failed M.O.T
• Airtight ——— Wont buy a drink on an aircraft

Bye for now, Paul B.

editor’s note: sorry there will be no illustrations this week or next week, normal service should resume the week after.