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Hello Possums.

Everybody having a good bank holiday weekend?

Yet another nail biting climax to the Eurovision song contest, Ireland floundered without the dynamic duo Jedward. Talent scouts are, as we speak, scouring nursing homes in search of G.B’s entrant for next year. Germany has invaded Denmark, and the Russians said “Ve vos vladiwell robbet“.

As you will have gathered by now Peter T, Weedkiller’s illustration executive without portfolio, has gone A.W.O.L. He left a red herring in the form of his old sandals on the doorstep to put us off the scent, but a note to the milk lady, cancelling his semi skimmed yaks’ milk and passion fruit yogurt, gave him away. We also discovered a strange note for the newsagent saying ‘No nuts for a fortnight‘, we couldn’t quite figure that one out. He has however been spotted in a hangout for the avant-garde in Morecambe, wearing a false beard and a beret, eating a jacket potato and swigging Absinthe. We will keep you posted.

An adult supply company in New Jersey claim to have produced the world’s first robotic rubber female companion, virtually indistinguishable from the real thing. Roxxxy is fitted with sensors in strategic places and comes complete with an array of sensuous lingerie and is even capable of limited conversation, an added bonus. The pleasure of her company will set you back a mere nine thousand dollars. The company’s 24 hour helpline did receive a call from one of the first customers, who said he was very pleased with ‘Roxxxy’ but wasn’t sure how to turn her on. Simple came the reply, just nibble her earlobes and whisper sweet nothings, that should do the trick.

Pig breeders in Washington State are feeding their livestock with waste greens from marijuana farms, including leaves, roots and stems. Early customer feedback suggests much tastier joints, tender pot roasts, delicious smoked bacon and spliffing pork crackling.

In an unusual variation on a theme, a cocktail bar in Brooklyn, NY, is hosting a ‘size doesn’t matter’ contest, to find the man with the smallest member. Entrants must be over twenty one, be comfortable with being hosed down in skimpy underpants, and not be abashed by outbursts of laughter and finger pointing. $500 is up for grabs, along with CDs by Little Richard, Willy Nelson and The Searchers.

You have most likely heard of the various treasures that keep turning up at car boot sales, a watch snapped up for £25 turned out to be the very one worn by Sean Connery in ‘Thunderball’. The watch is one of the lots in a forthcoming specialist auction in London and is expected to fetch in the region of £60.000. The watch, bristling with gadgetry featured in a scene where 007 was enjoying a drink with an extremely attractive young lady at the hotel bar.

“That’s an impressive timepiece James.”
“Yesh Q gave it to me thish morning for a shpeshial misshion. Itsh capable of almosht anything including telepathy.”
“Wow James that’s incredible,well what’s going on in my mind then?”
“Well let me shee now, ah yesh according to the watsh, you aren’t wearing any Knickersh.”
“Sorry James its back to the drawing board, I’m wearing some flimsy black ones actually.”
Bond taps his watch in frustration,
“Damn thingsh twenty minutes fasht”.

Weedkiller now welcomes Miss Victoria Sponger, secretary of Giggleswick W.I.

“Hello Girls. Well I’m almost lost for words, our idol has fallen. That two timing dough bashing snake in the grass, Paul Pinewood, has succumbed to temptation in the form of his American co-host. Never shall his podgy paws fondle my sticky buns again. That narcissistic popinjay, that strutting peacock, I never fancied him anyway. We have deleted him from next year’s ‘Beefy Bakers’ calendar, but fear not girls, our plan B, Alan Marshtits, is to host a new show called ‘The Great British Rake Off’. Bye for now.“

It is not advisable to marry an undertaker just in case he wants to bring his work home. Sunset Hills funeral home in Oregon are peddling natural burials with eco friendly coffins, not so unusual you might think but these undertakers will transport your mortal remains on the back of a specially adapted tricycle to your final destination. The tricycle has electric assistance for the heavier client at no extra charge, the full Be-spoke package costs $3.500.00 with a guarantee that you wont be saddled with any hidden charges.

Some more word definitions:

• Baptism —— Blessing of the bread
• Barbican —– Ozzie tinnie for the barbie
• Basin ———- Posh buffalo.
• Baton ———- Not out
• Behave ——- Royal jelly factory
• Braille ——— *** ** **** * ***** ** *** ****
• Brothel ——— Soup kitchen
• Broadband — All female orchestra

Ta ta . Paul B.