PARWICH.ORG

Hello Possums,

It looks like summer may have arrived, although no threats of hosepipe bans as yet. A good way to conserve water is to drink beer instead. Apparently you can use bath water for your garden plants, but it’s a real chore carting them all up to the bathroom, such is life.

As alcohol awareness week gets under way, Derby City Council have produced a guide for the city’s winos:

• Apple-ation controlee White Lighting Cider – A crisp no nonsense aperitif distilled from the sun ripened apples of Normandy harvested by a full moon.
• Chateau Buckfast Abbey – A pretentious full bodied wine with subtle overtones of meths and a nuance of b.o., available from selected corner shops only.
• Sanatogen Nouveau – A gutsy young wine with bags of potential, ghostly hints of Brasso, which linger on the palette. Perfect for laying down (after five or six bottles or so).
• McEwans – super strength export lager, a must for the more discerning toper, a short cut to oblivion, serve chilled with a bin salvaged kebab or hamburger.

Remember drink sensibly.

Scientists at New York’s Cornell University have been developing humanoid robots for years, but only recently have they struck gold. Using a Microsoft Kinect sensor, enabling the robot to respond to such gestures such as waving an empty glass, at which it will glide to the fridge, collect a beer, open it, and bring it to you, and pour it out. When fully developed, it will be capable of around 120 functions. Weedkillers technological expert attended a preview and demonstration, where he asked whether or not this revolutionary robot would make housewives redundant in time? “Definitely not” replied one of the team “Someone will still have to switch it on“.

In a year when police forces are facing stringent cuts, a Welsh force have been criticized for spending £520 on an elephant costume to help engage with children on sensitive crime issues. PC Ivor Reece tours infant schools, dressed as Ernie, to explain the differences between right and wrong. Ernie pointed his trunk at one little boy, “Trevor what do you think is a very bad thing to do?” “Pinch things, Ernie.” “Excellent Trevor, do you know of anyone who has pinched something?” “Yes Ernie, my daddy has.” “Oh really Trevor, and what did he pinch?” “He pinched our au pair girl’s bottom“.

It takes two to tango – Fred Astaire

That heartless beast, Simon Cowell, has been widely criticized for shattering the hopes of vulnerable youngsters on Britain’s got talent. One such group were dismissed in tears after Cowell likened them to dwarfs, a comment he also extended to Ant & Dec, who were watching from the wings. Ant was so incensed at the remark, he climbed onto Dec’s shoulders and punched Cowell on the nose.

The new multi million pound roller coaster ride at Alton Towers, ‘The Smiler’, is apparently almost as scary as being given a lift home by George Michael.

Ashbourne’s new library is to have a further level added for more facilities, but that’s another story.

An Ayrshire man has received £2,200 in compensation from the M.O.D. after Lulu, his exotic parrot, died of fright due to the ear shattering sound of a low flying Hercules transport aircraft, which buzzed his bungalow. Angus McCaw was inconsolable at the loss of his parrot, and has suffered panic attacks and depression as a result. His wife, Maggie, was so traumatized she has not spoken a word since the incident. We asked Angus what remedial action he was seeking for her? “All in good time, all in good time“, he replied with a wry smile.

Weedkiller’s entertainment dept are delighted to announce that our very own Colin S is to be the new Doctor Who. Colin is no stranger to the acting profession, his lesser known brother, Alistair, appeared in one or two minor productions in the past. Colin is of course known for his comedy routine, but is also an accomplished Shakespearean actor, appearing in ‘The Taming of the Shrew’, and winning wide acclaim for his Bottom in a ‘Midsummer Night’s Dream’. Good luck Colin.

Lord Prescott was typically philosophical about failing his eleven plus exams. With a shrug of the shoulders, he said, “There’s always next year“.

More word definitions:

Bombay Duck — owt for nowt in the Indian test match
Carpet ————— nodding dog on the back window
Casanova ———- new build in Spain
Chanuka ———— Jewish helicopter

Bye for now, Paul B