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Hello Possums.

Following on from Sheffield University’s winning formula for the perfect cream tea, The Royal Society of Chemistry have joined forces with The British Cheese Board to create the perfect cheese on toast. No alternative variations such as Welsh rarebit will be entertained. The next projects are to calculate the ideal circumference of the hole in a doughnut, why are sandwiches served in rounds when they are actually square and the best ways to toast a teacake, ‘Cheers’, ‘Good health’ or ‘Here’s mud in your eye’.

Padihersef, a 2,500-year-old Egyptian mummy, is undergoing a spring clean. He has been on display at Massachusetts General Hospital since being donated in 1823. The mummy is having up to date preservation techniques applied, to avoid any further deterioration. Although Padihersef is of great research value into ancient Egyptian embalming methods, he is not thought to have been a prominent person in society or to have had any direct link to the Pharaohs. Recent x-rays have revealed a perfectly preserved and apparently unused shovel under the bindings that would suggest Padihersef was a council workman or something of that nature. 

Norman Pudney, a professional clown, has been awarded £6,000 in damages after the South African edition of Men’s Magazine FHM published a stock image of ‘Puddles’, branding clowns as Transvestite, boozy drug users. Unfortunately Norman, a little worse for wear after celebrating his payoff, was mugged, whilst having a spliff outside Cosmo’s cross dressers club, and is now recovering in hospital. Weedkiller’s South African correspondent visited Norman yesterday to check on his progress. Norman said “It all happened so fast, they pulled my wig off, my new tights were ruined, their hands were everywhere, then I must have fainted. When I came to, my handbag along with my stash of crack had gone”. There is a police dragnet in place to find the culprits but no arrests so far.

Carole Longhorn, 65, discovered a mud caked object whilst digging in her garden, she placed it in the sink to soak off the mud, whilst she prepared her husband Clive’s favorite steak and kidney pie. When Clive came in, he immediately recognized it as a live world war two bomb. An R.A.F. disposal team swiftly dealt with the bomb. Colin told reporters “The consequences don’t bear thinking about,if it had exploded I would have had to make do with take away fish and chips.

Sister Teresita Barajuen, who has died at the age of 105, was cloistered in a Spanish nunnery for 86 years, which is believed to be a world record. Her gravestone bears the epitaph, ”All she drank was holy water, and never did what she shouldn’t oughta”.

Of all the senses humans possess the most rarest is common.

As another tumbrel load of disgraced celebrities rattles along the cobbled streets to keep a date with Madame guillotine, Tony Robinson is to present a new series delving into the past to discover more high-profile misdemeanors, and as usual he’s got just three days to do it.

As Wimbledon fortnight looms some of Pippa’s survival tips:

• Do not be tempted to give the players your autograph.
• Be prepared for long queues for tickets, unless you’re me of course.
• It is considered rather vulgar to carry money in royal circles.
• Eating more than one strawberry at a time is considered bad etiquette.
• Do be ladylike when quaffing Pimms, six or seven pints is considered the norm.
• Always make sure the Paparazzi know you’re attending.

Oh, silly me, I thought the best seat on centre court was reserved for me until the umpire asked me to come down. Now where did I put those wedding invitations.

As Her Majesty the Queen celebrated her 60 years on the throne the Coronation crown made a rare appearance from the Tower of London. Actually the original crown was melted down on the orders of Oliver Cromwell, who abolished the Monarchy, the resultant gold was minted into two large coins which became known as ‘half crowns‘, interesting eh?

Bye for now.Paul B.