PARWICH.ORG

Hello Possums,

It wasn’t a very promising outlook for the Parwich Open Gardens but the old bulldog spirit prevailed.

Unpaid bills dating back fifty years have come to light in a store-room at Montague Jeffrey’s bespoke men’s outfitters in Northampton. The culprit at the time was a little known repertory actor named Errol Flynn, who failed to pay for socks, ties, underpants and shirts. He went on of course to find fame and fortune in Hollywood as the heart-throb hero in ‘The Adventures of Robin Hood’; Flynn, being true to character apparently distributed the clothing in question to the poor and needy.

A team of psychologists and odontologists from Sweden have stated that losing your teeth as you age risks damaging your memory, which suggests that, if you do happen to lose your teeth, there is little possibility of remembering where you put them.

An US hairdresser is on a roll after winning an award for her wedding dress, which is made entirely from toilet tissue, at the ninth annual shabby chic wedding dress competition, held in New York. However the creation did not appeal to all the judges, one of whom described it as merely bog standard.

All eyes in the horticultural world are this week focused on an extremely rare plant from South America: ‘Pugo Chilensis’, which produces a ten foot flower spike, is about to bloom for the first time since its introduction to The Royal Botanical Gardens fifteen years ago. Bristling with formidable spikes, the plant snares inquisitive animals, which eventually die and decompose, supplying it with essential nutrients. Weedkiller’s expert, Minty Dan, was supposed to be on hand to give a running commentary on any developments, but he seems to have disappeared.

The American pharmaceutical company, which produces Viagra, is soon to lose its monopoly, as it becomes de-licensed in the near future. The present manufacturers are seeking an injunction to suppress rival companies from producing what they claim will be not only be a cheaper inferior product but will not have the remarkable properties of the original. However they have been advised by their legal department that such claims are unlikely to stand up in court.

Headline:

Dornier bomber heads for R.A.F Museum, Spitfire squadron scrambled.

The end is in sight for the humiliating torment suffered by young Chinese girls, who are constantly groped by unseen hands on packed commuter trains. The ‘Super Anti Pervert’ hairy leg tights, which even a Chimpanzee would envy, are guaranteed to deter even the most persistent offenders. Unfortunately the hairy legs did not prove to be the ultimate turn off for one determined groper, who received a sound thrashing from Jock Strap, a Scottish tourist.

A London man is facing a charge of manslaughter, after he spiked his dwarf friend’s drink with 27 anti-depressant pills, which proved fatal. The man, although remanded in custody, was allowed to view his late friend in the chapel of rest after being racked with remorse. Supported by two police officers he broke down and said “I’ve never seen him look so happy”, he blubbered.

There will be no Weedkiller during Wakes, as the entire team are covering the annual tripe juggling festival in Amknackeredstan.

Have a jolly old time one and all.
Paul B.