PARWICH.ORG

Hello Possums,

Hallelujah, the much anticipated Royal birth has finally taken place, ending weeks of speculation. Daphne and Trevor Royal of Buttercup Farm, Tintwistle, Yorkshire have become the proud parents of a bouncing baby girl. Many congratulations to them.

During the current heatwave, R.S.P.C.T.B. Officers from Cubley were alerted to a vehicle parked off the Green in Parwich, when a passerby spotted a number of teddy bears inside in Steiff-ling conditions obviously suffering from heat exhaustion. Inspector Rupert Grizzly told Weedkiller’s roving reporter, ”It was no picnic rescuing these bears”, which are now being cared for at the Merrythought rescue center in Paddington.

A Nottingham woman has shed 8st, thanks to a strict diet of mushy peas. she now weighs in at a healthy 12st 3lb, after scoffing the peas twice daily for two years. She told Weedkiller’s nutritional consultant, that she had certain misgivings about the diet, but it had definitely turned up trumps for her in the end.

An Israeli man leapt off the lavatory in excruciating agony, after being bitten on a very sensitive part of his anatomy by a snake that was lurking in the toilet bowl. Fortunately for him it was not one of the deadlier snakes that are native to the country. His wife told Weedkiller’s foreign reporter that, as a result of the bite, her husband now had a large swelling on the said organ, for which she will be seeking medical advice, in a week or two.

The world’s first test tube beefburger has been created from thousands upon thousands of minute strands of cattle stem cells at a Dutch laboratory. This advancement could eventually solve predicted meat shortages in the near future as demand outstrips supply. The burger will be cooked and eaten at a special demonstration in London next month. The cost of this lab grown burger works out at £220.000, if you want a slice of cheese it’s 20p extra.

National statistics have revealed that the instances of reported crime have fallen between 7%and 9%, at the same time the prison population has risen between 7% and 9%. Progress at last.

A man, who was discovered unconscious in his motel room in California, has been hospitalised. Eventually coming round, the man was able to speak fluent Swedish which baffled doctors, the man is also suffering from amnesia and has no recollection of events. According to experts this bizarre condition has been the subject of many psychological research papers, and even reincarnation has been suggested. The Lancet medical journal supports the theory that the person may have subconsciously absorbed a foreign language after exposure in the past. However a quick thinking motel employee solved the mystery by checking the register and discovering that the man was actually Swedish.

A popular Manchester restaurant, noted for its fast service, has created an ‘Andy Murray’ gourmet Aberdeen Angus beefburger as a tribute to his Wimbledon victory. Topped with deep-fried haggis, crispy bacon and a topping of whiskey and Irn Bru sauce. The burger is proving to be a big hit, with the first customer saying to the server “I’d like fifteen love please”. The manager told Weedkiller’s restaurant critic that their quick thinking had given them the advantage over their competitors. Each burger comes with a scratch card, match, three tennis balls and wins a fortnight’s Thai Break for two.

An Australian man has died after choking in a pie eating competition, his final words were, “Jeez, this chili pie is hotter than a dried up Billabong”. Bruce Holland was taking part in the contest at the Beach Tavern in Queensland, and collapsed whilst attempting to eat the pie. Because Bruce was an ardent fan of Spike Milligan, his friends have clubbed together and had ‘I TOLD YOU IT WAS HOT’ carved into his headstone.

Weedkiller’s wecruitment office have weceived a diwective stating that on no account should there be any discwimination against hiwing staff that have speech impediments (i.e. ex chat show pwesenters, histowy pwogwamme pwesenters and nature show pwesenters must be given equal considewation when wecwuiting).

Bye for now Paul B.