PARWICH.ORG

Hello Possums,

Well, obviously, the week’s news is dominated by the much awaited birth of Prince George; Weedkiller’s Royal correspondent tells us that Auntie Pippa is already planning her Nephew’s first skiing lesson on the nursery slopes at Cloisters. There will be a special section in Waitroses’ magazine on Royal baby food, and Pippa has promised that every child, born on the same day as the Prince, will receive a signed copy of her book, ‘Celebrate’. But hurry as there are only half a million copies left.

The Parwich photographers fraternity have gone into overdrive recently with some very impressive snaps. Our very own David G camped out for three nights, in a camouflaged hide, to bag a photo of an owl that was cleverly concealed in the foliage of a tree. Good show old boy.

A 46 year old Russian woman somehow managed to get her head stuck in the stair railings outside her apartment, during an intimate clinch with a stranger she had met that evening. Despite her predicament, her lover fled the scene as, we presume, he was a married man. Luckily her neighbour was alerted by her cries for help, and rushed out to discover her in an extremely vulnerable position.

”Ivan, thank God, please call the fire brigade“.

”All in good time my dear” he replied, ”All in good time”.

According to a warning by the head of Tesco’s, the era of cheap food is coming to an end. I would like to know when it started.

Hard work never killed anyone, but the thought of it has certainly scared some people almost to death.

Customers and staff at a Mc Donald’s ‘restaurant’ were aghast when a woman rode her horse into the premises, apparently in protest at being refused service at the drive through. Naturally the horse did what horses do, and deposited a steaming mound on the floor. One outraged customer likened it to a Big Mac with flies.

The ‘Hop Inn and Spa’, in the Czech Republic, are offering stag parties the chance to relax and chill out in a huge bath full of beer. An assistant told us ”You can always recognize the gentlemen, they always get out for a pee”.

Darlington, County Durham: Maminber Singh was salivating at the thought of tucking into his favourite Burger King chicken burger deluxe, when, to his horror, his meal began to slowly move across his plate. Telekinesis you might think? No, something much more mundane: a large slug was to blame. The manager claimed the culprit was in a bag of salad and offered a refund, which the customer refused, saying ”It’s not what I call fast food”.

‘Rise and Shine‘ the revolutionary super sex-cereal, specially formulated to boost libido in men and women, is going down well in the USA, where it is described as passion in a bowl. The muesli, which is rich in exotic ingredients purportedly with aphrodisiac qualities, is available in two forms, one for each sex.

 

There is one couple, who will testify to it’s effectiveness, who were soon in the throes of a mad passionate embrace after eating the product, however the hotel’s restaurant manager politely requested that they might take breakfast in their room the next morning.

Poor old Charles Saatchi got an awful shock after one of his prize art works, Tracy Emin’s ‘Unmade Bed’, was ruined by his new cleaning lady. Apparently he was confronted by the cleaner, who said ” ‘Ere Mr Saatchi, I wouldn’t ‘ave that person stop ‘ere again if I were you, the mess that bed was in, there was knickers and all sorts, who knows what wot they was up to. Anyway I’ve cleaned it all up now and washed the bedding. I knew you’d be pleased”.

Californian State Police, responding to an emergency call, found a huge pot-bellied pig, wearing jogging bottoms and sweating profusely, inside a pick up truck, where outside temperatures had reached 86 degrees. After checking the registration, they rang the owner. A lady answered, “Hello, Mavis Dillon speaking”. “Hello Mrs Dillon, it’s Trooper Spencer, State Police, we have found a big fat sweaty pot-bellied pig, wearing jogging bottoms, in a vehicle registered to your address”. “Well I should’a realised; that lying drunken son of a rattle snake told me he wuz goin fishin”.

Bye for now Paul.B.