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Hello Possums,

Well of course, the highlight of the week was the nail biting finish to the free and democratic Zimbabwe parliamentary elections. Once again Morgan Tsangirai was snapping at the heels of Robert Mugabi, but somehow managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Pippa Middleton, not one for letting the grass grow under her feet, has taken on the challenge of explaining the ins and outs of jolly old cricket to our American friends across the pond. Good luck.

A drunken man, who stole a Father Christmas outfit from a washing line, was totally oblivious of his crime until he awoke the next morning wearing the outfit. He admitted stealing the outfit, at Barnstaple magistrates court, whereupon he was tagged and ordered to carry out 80 hours of unpaid Christmas present deliveries. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Local councils are investing thousands of pounds in workshops to enable the slow trickle of immigrants to cope with regional dialects, some of which date back to the 14th century. Weedkiller’s professor of linguistics gives us some prime examples:

• It’s ower ‘ot bi aife (It’s been very hot)
• It’s looking rare and black ower bull’s mother’s noo (Overcast, expect rain)
• We’ve ad a rare lot of aver i’ th’weet ‘arvest (Glut of wild oats in the harvest)
• To goa bod nesting (Looking for birds nests)
• A thotter stabber stee (Thirty rung ladder)
• One of the frim foak (A foreigner)

Our raving reporter tried his hand at some ‘owd Derbyshire in Derby city centre. “Aye up me duck, ‘ow art me owd?“, but was met with a bemused expression, “Big Issue, please“. Oh well you can’t win them all.

Just when you thought you’d heard it all, another howler comes along: A man dialed 999 for the fire brigade to attend to extricate his manhood from a toaster. The controller asked if it was an emergency, “It most certainly is“, he replied, “The kids ‘ill be wanting their breakfast shortly“.

Does one fancy a bit of luxury motoring then? A Daimler, registration LIZ 2, is to be auctioned at Brooklands motor museum in Surrey. The car has many extra features, as you might expect, such as a bespoke sliding handbag holder, Corgi safety belts, monogrammed doggy poo bags and a mechanical waving hand for when Her Majesty felt tired. Yours for between twenty five to thirty thousand pounds. Bargain.

Apparently the orange clad inmates at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp have become obsessed with reading the erotically charged ‘Fifty Shades of Grey‘ trilogy. As a result they have requested more chains, handcuffs and blindfolds.

Never mind that sissy Superman or bumbling Batman, when it comes to a crisis you need a real man. Yes, you guessed it, Lord Prezza to the rescue. As a huge backlog of traffic built up during Hull’s veterans weekend, Two Jags calmly took charge, and directed the traffic to help ease the congestion, however one motorist did politely asked him to step aside as he had insufficient petrol to drive around him.

A British company has developed a vibrating bicycle seat attachment for ladies, guaranteed to put the pleasure back into cycling. The original prototype was conceived in the engineering and development department of the Coventry Climax Works some years ago, but never came to fruition.

Airport security guards in southeast China have caught a man attempting to smuggle his pet turtle onto his flight, concealed inside a K.F.C hamburger. The man, named as Mr Lee, was detained by security after an X-ray operative spotted ‘unusual protrusions‘ in his bag. The man was forced to leave his pet behind, but to make matters worst he discovered that the turtle had eaten all his chips.

Whilst most dog owners interpret a wagging tail as a sign of pleasure, the actual canine emotions are conveyed by specific facial movements that convey genuine emotions. Dogs will raise their left eyebrow when seeing their owners; When meeting a stranger they moved their left ear back in curiosity; When confronted by someone they disliked they will bare their teeth, snarl and pounce to the attack. Weedkiller’s animal therapist, Claude Balls, will be back at his desk after having his stitches removed.

Bye for now, Paul B