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Hello Possums,

Slight hints of Autumn in the air these days don’t you think? I bet the Parwich shutter bugs can’t wait for the first russet hues of the season.

Green fingered tealeaves have been visiting the village. Carl’s treasured lawnmower, that he constructed from Meccano as a child, has gone missing, and a neighborhood watch sign has disappeared from Creamery Lane.

San Antonio Zoo, California: A cruel freak of nature, Thelma and Louse, a green back turtle that was hatched with two heads, has become an overnight internet sensation, such is her popularity that she now has her own two-faced book entry.

A motorist claimed that he was unable to renew his road tax on the due date, as he had overdosed on Viagra and was housebound as a result. Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter was told, that the man was very popular in the neighbourhood, and almost all the women in the street had paid him a visit to show their concern.

Audacious thieves have dug up and stolen 1.5 tons of potatoes from a field in Oatwell, Norfolk. This follows the prior theft of 500 potatoes from an adjacent field. The Norfolk Peelers are appealing for witnesses, and have warned chip shops and local publicans to suspicious of any hot potatoes being offered on the cheap.

Nuneaton, Warwickshire: Azar, the doberman, has undergone emergency surgery after X-rays revealed three golf balls lodged in his intestine. His owner told us that Azar had been under par for a while and even a large dose of St Andrews liver salts would not help. His owner reckoned that he had most likely pinsched the balls after wandering onto the local golf course.

Apparently ‘vegetarian’ is an old North American Indian word for a bad hunter.

April, May, but June most certainly won’t.

Taiwan: The latest delicacy to take the gourmet world by storm is a super stinky triply fermented tofu, the smell of which has been compared to a cross between burning garbage and severe body odour. You may enjoy this dish stewed, braised or deep fried garnished with pickled cabbage, bamboo shoots, thousand year old eggs or congealed ducks blood. Weedkiller’s food critic, Freda Rice, has being sampling this dish in all its variations for over a week at the Jiazihan Restaurant in New Tapai City. Freda turned up at Weedkiller headquarters this morning to write her column, but, with the weather being so nice, I decided that she should have have the day off.

The fire brigade were forced to demolish a wall to assist in the removal of a morbidly obese man, who had dialed the emergency services after experiencing chest pains. The 63 stone man was eventually lifted out in a J.C.B. digger bucket, and taken to hospital in a specially adapted ambulance. Although it was a false alarm, he was kept in for three days under observation. He told Weedkillers Raving Reporter, ”I can’t wait to get home, the healthy options on the hospital menu aren’t very exciting at all.

The inmates of a maximum security prison in Brazil have taken up knitting, with the incentive of a days reduction in sentence for every four days worked. The men are clicking and clacking away furiously under the direction of a well known knitwear designer. Their supervisor told us that even the most hardened criminals were finding it therapeutic and would eventually become model citizens ready for integration into civilized society with their aggression under control. We asked to have a word with the group supervisor, but apparently he is in the hospital wing at present having a knitting needle removed from his ear.

Oprah Winfrey has just bought Switzerland, after a snooty shop assistant, in the ‘Trois Pommes‘ boutique in Zurich, wrongly assumed that the billionaires chat show hostess could not possibly afford a crocodile handbag with a price tag of 35.000 Swiss francs. Oblivious of who she was dealing with, the assistant suggested cheaper alternatives. Miss Winfrey, not one for bearing a grudge, has transferred the woman to a ‘Nothing Over A Dollar‘ store in the Bronyx in New York, for some extra training in customer relations.

Bye for now Paul B.