PARWICH.ORG

Hello Possums,

Unfortunately, as a direct result of the slide in readership of Weedkiller Weekly’s column, the Board have been forced to make economies in staffing levels.

The first head to roll is that of Nellie Sykes, our 93 year old tea lady, who we estimate pushed her trolley a grand total of 97,045 miles over the years and now, 5,972 jammy dodgers, 4,235 KitKats, 5,771 custard creams, 4,897 chocolate digestives and God knows how many cups of tea later, it’s time to say goodbye to a tearful Nellie. However, in recognition of her loyal service, we presented her with a lovely knitted tea cosy from the Age Concern charity shop and five pounds worth of premium bonds.

Next in line was our vermin and pest controller, Fred Shufflecock, who has done a sterling job in this specialist field, once single handedly tackling a baby mouse that was terrorizing the girls in the typing pool. Whether it squeaked, scampered, slithered or crawled, Fred was the man for the job. We presented Fed with a monogrammed puffer pack of DDT and a ten pound golden handshake.  

Last, but not least, was Albert Slack, our night security officer. Albert was an ideal candidate for the job as he is a chronic insomniac, and, with his trusty pet ferret Fang, he patrolled the premises into the wee hours. Albert started out as an apprentice bed tester for the Slumberwell Mattress Company, but was dismissed for not falling asleep on the job. At the grand old age of 103, Albert is not confident of finding another position. In grateful recognition, we presented him with a years supply of denture fixative, a rechargeable torch and a year’s subscription of the lads’ magazine Nuts.

Thank you, Prunella Fortesque Smythe, Head of Human Resources.

As tension mounts once again over the hotly contested Rock of Gibraltar, due to prolonged Spanish boarder checks and unnecessary red tape, our man on the ‘Rock’, Cliff Hanger, was forced to abandon his Ford Siesta, which had overheated due to a three hour delay. This situation has placed the resident colony of Barbary Macaques in jeopardy, and we are at present arranging their evacuation to the idyllic Pond Cottage Animal Sanctuary in Parwich. If you would like to offer a home to one of these delightful creatures, they will be arriving in a week or so. They are quite intelligent creatures, almost human one might say, but don’t let that deter you. Of course a home visit will be necessary, and, as there are only three hundred apes, demand is expected to be high, so apply early so as not to be disappointed.

Now then, never mind that overhyped overgrown tadpole lurking in the depths of Loch Ness, Weedkiller’s very own Sherlock Holmes is embroiled in the mysterious case of the one-legged ducks. The scene of this baffling phenomenon is the Tebay Services in Cumbria. The ducks reside on a lovely pond with a cracking view of the Pennines on one side and the Lakeland Fells on the other. They feed on tastes leftovers from the organic farm shop. Sherlock, applying his amazing deductive and forensic skills, had soon cracked the case.

The culprits were three red-eared terrapins, that had obviously been dumped when their novelty wore off and were now the sized of dinner plates, had chomped the legs off their unsuspecting victims. These aggressive smelly creatures can reach the age of 30-40 years and will turn cannibalistic if necessary. Sherlock, in true fearless style, has netted the terrapins and released them into Professor Moriarty’s hot tub. Peace and tranquility reign once again, and everything is back to normal, except for the fact that the mutilated ducks are only able to swim in circles.

Men have been warned to keep their swimming trunks on whilst taking a dip in Scandinavian waters, following the discovery of a voracious South American fish closely related to the piranha. The eight-inch ‘pacu’ is rather partial to the more tender parts of the male anatomy and has somehow infiltrated the straits between Sweden and Denmark. The predator’s usual diet is smaller fish, but they most certainly won’t turn up their noses at meat and two veg.

Clover Naturist Hotel & Spa, Birmingham: Neighbours were up in arms when Britain’s first naturist venue opened up in the midst of their quiet leafy suburb. To add insult to injury the Hotel has applied for an alcohol license, with which the neighbours fear things might get out of hand. One disgruntled resident told us that cavorting naked men and women were clearly visible from his bedroom window, with the aid of binoculars. The local Conservative Councillor was most concerned about lewd behaviour, drunken orgies and inappropriate displays of flesh, and he might have to think twice before renewing his membership. The Hotel are also considering obtaining a license to conduct weddings on the premises. One engaged couple have already asked the local Vicar if he had any qualms about marrying them in the nude. “None at all“, he replied “But I must insist on keeping my dog collar on“.

A Bolivian man, who claims to be 123 years old, may be the oldest person ever recorded. Born in 1890, Carmelo Flores, a toothless goat herder from the mountain village of Frasquicia, is in good health, and does not appear to have developed any of the usual symptoms associated with old age. Camelot told Weedkiller’s foreign correspondent, through an interpreter, that he can even remember Des O’Connor, Cliff Richards and England winning the World Cup. He lives a very simple life, existing on native plants and skunks, which he traps and keeps in a cage inside his dirt-floored cabin in a remote forest until he is ready to consign them to the cooking pot. We asked him about what must prove to be an awful smell, and he said that it doesn’t seem to bother them.

Washington State: Customers at the ‘Jack in the Box’ diner were left speechless after a man ordered the ‘Early Grave Special’, which consists of 20 beef patties stacked with layers of fried eggs, sausages, bacon, onion rings and barbecue sauce, and comes with a double order of fries. This belly buster will set you back $38.09. “Well honey” said his server “If you can manage that, how about today’s special desert, triple hot fudge sundae with chocolate sauce“. “Not for me thank you” replied the man “Far too many calories“.

A Florida woman, caught begging from motorists at the roadside, told the highway patrol officers that the proceeds were not for keeping body and soul together, but to help pay for breast augmentation surgery. One of the officers said to his colleague “It looks like another two bit call out Joe. I was hoping for a big bust“. “You and me both, honey” replied the woman.

Bye for now, Paul B.