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Hello Possums

It’s Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter here, coming to you live from the Stockport branch of McDonald’s, where customers and staff are being subjected to bouts of antisocial behaviour from groups of youths loitering around the premises. As a counter measure, the management are playing classical music over the system in an effort to force the trouble makers to move on. This, to some extent, has proved successful, with the majority plaguing the nearby Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet instead. Ah, this chappie is obviously not shifting, I’ll try to communicate at his level: “Yo! My man, slap me five. Is yo’ walking de walk and talking de talk, bro’? Is yo’ cool wid da toons, dude? Does Chopin float yo’ boat boat! Is yo’ in de gang man, and hot wid de chicks? Over to yo’ bro’.” “Are you crazy, I happen to be the manager here, and if you will get that microphone out of my face, I’d like to get to work ‘Dude’.”

Seen in the Arizona Chronicle:

If your name happens to be Holmer Hendelbergen Heinzel, this could be your lucky day as we have a reclaimed tombstone with your name on it for sale, reply to PO box 6783.

Zurich, Switzerland: Local Authorities, to help sole the problem of city centre soliciting, have created drive-in sex booths for call girls on a disused industrial estate. This, they reckon, will create a safer working environment for up to 40 ‘ladies’. As was bound to happen, an elderly gent lost his way and stopped for assistance. He wound down his window and asked one of the girls, “Excuse me, could you kindly give me some directions young lady?” The girl wiggled over to his car, “Come on in honey, it’s pretty straight forward, and you won’t need no satnav with me babe“.

France’s naturist federation have begun a drive to revamp the perceived image of nudist camps as being a haven for hedonistic lust seekers and voyeurs. Activities in the future will include volleyball, bareback horse riding and a nine hole golf course for novice swingers. With the help of Viagra, hoopla has become very popular, with nude Twister coming a close second. Ooh! La la!

Unfortunately the recent spate of thefts in and around the Village has resulted in Colin S’s joke book being stolen. Ashbourne Police have warned antiquarian booksellers to be suspicious if offered the book. It is described as well dog eared, but an unusual feature is that the ancient tome is written in Latin. Mr S. is extremely anxious to recover his book, and is offerings reward of a £5 Argos voucher, no questions asked.

36 years and eleven billion miles later, the spacecraft Voyager has left our Solar System, and is expected to reach another galaxy in roughly 40,000 years. Despite numerous claims of UFO sightings on Earth, no contact has been made further afield as yet, or maybe they are just shy. As presumably the Universe is infinite, in theory Voyager could still be traveling long after planet Earth has ceased to exist. Included in an information pack on the craft is a ‘Welcome to GB’ for any visiting aliens with guidelines on how to claim benefits, free council housing, free health service and how to con the authorities into believing you are unfit for work and qualify for incapacity benefits. Watch this Space.

If you are a farmer with a diverse range of animals and your name happens to be McDonald, you may just be the person to offer Buddy, an African Grey parrot a home. Buddy is about to be served with an ASBO after neighbours complained about his constant renditions of ‘Old McDonald had a farm‘, shouting ‘Police‘ and imitating telephones and burglar alarms.

Gentlemen be aware, if you shop at Waitrose and loiter around the fruit & veg, squeezing the peaches and fondling the passion fruit, your actions may be interpreted as an intimate gesture to a willing female. According to a recent survey, men seeking some extra marital mischief prefer the aisles of Waitrose, whereas women prefer Sainsbury’s as a hunting ground. Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter is vox popping at his local Waitrose, and is about to chat to a member of staff: “Hello, do you get many men coming here looking for dates?” “Yes,we do, mainly because they fancy something exotic and plump for a change, usually around Christmas time. You’ll find them on the second aisle between the mixed nuts and the prunes.“

By for now, Paul B.