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Hello Possums,

523,000 Germans have invaded our shores – but don’t panic, Mr. Mainwaring. Stand down the Warmington-on-Sea home guard; these are tourists with an apparently insatiable appetite for our beaches and coastal paths. Many of them make a pilgrimage to the site where the first Zeppelin was destroyed by specially designed incendiary bullets. Wreaths of sausages are left by visitors, in memory of the millions of Germans, who were banned from scoffing their favourite Bratwurst, as the cow skins were used in the manufacture of gas containers. So, if you ever wonder why airships have teats, there is your answer.

1,500 people descended on the ‘Rose & Bowl’ pub in Bacup, Lancs to witness the annual gravy wrestling championships. Competitors included Superman, a Brussels Sprout and a Yorkshire Pubbing. Hundreds of litres of gravy (locally sauced) of course becomes a quagmire, as the combatants grapple and slosh for supremacy. The eventual winner is ‘Bisto-wed’ with a splendid trophy, before being hosed down by the local fire brigade.

New Zealand: A man, dressed in a cow ‘onesie’, was caught stealing porterhouse steaks from a food store in Nelson. He was arrested and taken to the police station for a grilling.

New York: A 52 year old woman was taken into custody after wreaking havoc at the ‘Dim Sum King’ restaurant; she went berserk, upturning tables and pouring soy sauce over a man and his baby. She yelled “Go back to China” at terrified customers. The woman had apparently been involved in a similar outburst at a local McDonald’s restaurant, where she told customers to “Go back to Scotland“.

A four foot square replica of Carlisle Castle has been created by a team of local bakers from 5,000 custard creams. Their next projects will include the Trifle Tower, coconut pyramids, the Garibaldi Monument and the Leaning Tower of Pizza.

USA: A North Charleston couple were discovered in a compromising position inside a display garden shed at their local Home Base depot. The store manager has since removed a sign, which read “Ideal for putting your tools in“.

A Canadian dentist, who purchased one of John Lennon’s teeth for £20,000 at an auction in Stockport, Manchester, is optimistic that they will be able to extract sufficient DNA to clone the great man himself. Imagine!

The ‘Avuzilla’ will shortly become available at Tesco’s; this giant avocado weighs in at three pounds, is on average 8 inches long and will only set you back £3.00. The only drawback is it takes £15.00 worth of prawns to fill it.

Thousands of naked cyclists rode two abreast through the streets of Mexico City, in an effort to raise awareness about safety aspects and disrespect from drivers. Two men, outside a local bar, were watching as the mass of humanity wiggled and juggled past

One of them said to his friend,

“Hey Miguel! Your wife has just gone past.”
“Are you sure Pedro?”
“Positive, I’d recognise that tattoo on her bottom anywhere.“

Bye for now, Paul B.