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Hello Possums,

Wait! Hold the front page, Scoop! Scoop! Breaking news: never mind the Syrian crisis, the overcrowded prisons, the unsustainable immigration putting pressure on housing, hospitals, schools and social security… wait for it… Pippa Middleton had a crush on her hockey coach, which deserved front page coverage in most daily newspapers.

The first ever romantic audiobook for chickens has been commissioned by “The Happy Egg Company”, after research revealed that listening to stories encourages broody hens to lay tastier eggs. Although still in the embryonic stage, the plot will revolve around Molly the hen and her quest to woo Clooney, a handsome cockerel. The hens also enjoy operas by Giblet & Sullivan such as The Parrots of Penzance, hymns such as Onward Crispy Soldiers and Bob Dylan’s Lay Lady Lay.

The BBC is investigating a possible breach of copyright after an events firm called “Tardis Environmental” was found to be supplying portaloos bearing a Tardis logo. The managing director told us that although the loos are deceptively spacious inside, they also have a tendency to hum with a robotic voice, intermittently booming out “Deodorise, deodorise…”

A man from Podsmead in Gloucester, who claims that he has worn the same pair of nylon and wool mix socks for the past 25 years, has recently noticed a small hole appearing in one of them. Weedkiller’s consumer protection executive contacted “Sparks & Mincers”, who have promised to replace the faulty goods under their “no-quibble” guarantee.

In the USA, certain branches of Walmart department stores are installing dental surgeries. There will be an express service for clients with nine teeth or fewer.

Specialist surgeons in Hawkins County, USA have admitted defeat in their efforts to extricate $5,000 that a local woman had stolen from her boyfriend and secreted in a certain part of her anatomy. A hospital spokesman said “I’m afraid that the bucks stop there.”

J.D.’s grill in Plymouth has created an “Apocalypse Burger”, containing 25,000 calories and £150 worth of ingredients. It comes with a complimentary Diet Coke.

An enterprising lady has opened “Fowlty Towers”: a boutique hotel for chickens, with luxury accommodation and lots of tasty treats to keep them content during their owners’ absence. The only stipulation is “No Cockerels”, so as not to disturb the neighbours. The establishment is Eggon Ronay recommended, with the Sunday roost proving particularly popular among guests – as too is the “Early Bird Special”, containing a generous helping of lovely, juicy worms.

Bye for now, Paul B.