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Hello Possums,

Channel 4’s ‘Time Team’ claim to have located the true site of the Battle of Hastings, which is approximately 600ft from Battle Abbey. There is a cafe, a pub and a betting shop near to the site, which suggests that King Harold’s army had a belly buster fry-up, a few pints and an each-way bet on the outcome of the battle.

A recent survey has revealed that one in six adults still believe in Father Christmas, and even write to him expressing their wish-list. This of course is a nonsense, as nowadays you can e-mail the old boy at santaclaus@northpole.com.

An American, Herbert Jones, has been suspended from his job as a shopping centre Santa Claus, and has been charged with assault, after he pinched an elf’s bottom in the grotto. He is due to appear in court on Christmas Eve, which obviously is very inconvenient for him. This however is not an isolated incident, as he was in trouble some time ago for goosing a gnome. He was sent a final written warning, which he denied ever receiving, but the store’s Personnel Director insisted that he had sent the letter in question, up the chimney, to Santa, three days after the occurrence.

Police Officers were called to a domestic disturbance in Plymouth in the early hours, where they were threatened with a rolling pin by a man. Apparently the trouble started when his wife was ogling Paul Hollywood on television, and he went berserk with jealousy. He has been bound over to keep the peace and sentenced to 30 hours unpaid baking.

An American man is intending to sell one of his reproductive appendages to a research institute to finance a new sports car. He has promised his wife that it is just a one off.

In anticipation of Christmas, women in Britain will throw out over a million items of unwanted underwear. They will treat themselves to new ones, and also expect some from their spouses or boyfriends. On the other hand, men will discard odd socks, ties, old slippers, hankies and aftershave. This year’s most undesirable presents are foot spas, the complete boxed set of “I’m a has-been get me out of here” and the MasterChef “Book of Grimaces“.

A local licensee stands accused of selling out of date Irish cream liqueur by Trading Standards Officers, his case will be heard at ‘The Old Baileys‘ in London.

A Polish lorry driver has been jailed for attempting to smuggle four Albanian asylum seekers into Britain in a lorry full of rhubarb. The Albanians have been released from custardy as the case for the prosecution has crumbled.

Bye for now Paul B.