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Hello Possums.

A Canadian woman, who was knocked unconscious after tumbling from her horse, awoke to find herself speaking with a Scottish accent in yet another case of foreign language syndrome. Her first words were “Independence for Canada, down with the bloody Sassenachs“.

A 54 year old Chinese man murdered his close friend and neighbour, before committing suicide, so as to have a chess playing companion in heaven. Other residents said they were both fanatics and had heated exchanges during games. The murderer was a real oddball and an unpredictable firebrand, and his victim was the only man who could keep him in check.

A loaded hearse was spotted attempting to gain access to a Kentucky Fried Chicken drive-thru, but was too wide. Helpful staff suggested he try the Burger King further along, but he said “Not bloody likely, last time they cremated my Big Whopper“.

A Chicago woman has laid claim to having the biggest bottom in the world. Sarah Massey posted pictures of her 2.1 metre posterior on Facebook, and received lots of positive responses from certain aficionados. Her pants are 10x large, however her attempts for recognition as a world record holder in the Guinness Book of Records have received a negative response, as it is virtually impossible to verify her claim, despite winning the Rear of the Year award, soundly beating Yukiyama Arsawoppa the Japanese female sumo champion into second place. However, Sarah has had a big spread in the Illinois Sunday Sport featuring on pages 3, 4, 5, 6 & 7, and is launching her own range of lingerie and intimate accessories.

An American woman has an extremely bizarre post-intimacy-craving, whereupon she greedily devours hunks of foam rubber from her mattress. Her husband Terry told us, it was a far cry from her previous insatiable desire for fish after intimacy. It’s a funny old world, I suppose ‘there is no plaice like foam‘.

A naked Australian man, who thought it would be a good idea to hide in their top loading washing machine to surprise his girlfriend, got himself royally stuck. Emergency services were struggling to release him, when she suggested using olive oil as a lubricant. “Virgin?” the rescuers inquired; “What the hell’s that got to do with it” she snapped.

Fed up with boring soaps? Weedkiller Weekly has been given a sneak preview of a great new programme depicting everyday folk:

“‘Ello Mrs Doogle, ‘ow are you?”
“I ain’t too bad ta, Ted”
“‘Ow’s your Chantilly then?”
“She’s in t’ maternity ward.
She was ‘avin’ them contraptions you know.”
“Oh aye, you’d a thought she’d put
‘er toys away ‘afore she went.”
“She’s overdue Ted. They moit ‘ave to seduce er.”
“Bit late fer that, innit?”
“Well, she’s ‘avin twins: she must a bin wi’ two lads at young farmers’ ball. They told er that babies are facin’ wrong road.”
“Oh dear! What will they do then?”
“Oi think they’ll ‘ave to turn the bed round.”
“Where’s your Terry then?”
“‘E’s down at A & E Burns Unit: ‘e stuffed two Big Macs n’ one of them red ‘ot apple thingies down ‘is Y-fronts after ‘is shift at McDonalds, and it burst all over ‘is goolies.”
“That’s terrible Mrs Doogle. What ‘n earth did you do?”
“Oi ‘ad to ‘ave a slice of arctic roll instead.
You look a bit funny, Ted”
“Aye, oi’ve just ad a pipe full o’ that whacky stuff from Jimmy the Weed, it beats Old Crofters’ rough shag any day. Anyroads I’m off ta market wi’ some beasts now.”
“Bullocks, Ted?”
“No, oi’m serious, Mrs Doogle”.
“If you see Citronella down The Jolly Giro, Ted, will you remoind ‘er that we’re goin’ shopliftin this afternoon.
Oi got a lovely sheepskin coat last week,
while Citronella pretended ‘er knickers were comin’ down,
to distract the security man.
She’s very good at that, between you and me.
‘Er little daughter Cleopatra loves them pick and nick sweeties.”
“Roit, I’ll be off then Mrs Doogle. Boi fer now.”
“Ta ta Ted, moind ‘ow you go.”

And it’s goodbye from me. Paul B.