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Hello Possums.

A speeding escaped Ostrich wreaked havoc on a main road near Tunbridge Wells, overtaking cars at breakneck speed, causing a tailback and delays of 20 minutes or so. A concerned motorist, who phoned the traffic police, told us that they were totally uninterested, they just buried their heads in the sand.

A former hairdresser, from Moss Side in Manchester, has been shortlisted for ‘The Mars One Project’, which aims to create a settlement on the Red Planet. The ten year rigorous training programme, which includes training in the quest for extra terrestrials, will culminate in 24 space pioneers blasting off in ‘The Rover Space Craft’. Miss Potter told Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter that, if she is successful, the thing she will miss most is the soap ‘Coronation Street‘. However this is one Rover that won’t be returning.

Great news folks the Teletubbies, Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po, are off to North Korea. What a jolly old time they’ll have. The Korean Cultural Minister, Wee Sing Ying Tong Ying Tong Ying Tong Ying Tong Ying Tong Iddle I Po, said, “We must not be influenced by their silly names and judge them solely on merit.”

Police were called to the Badminton Estate, after local residents reported strange goings on involving men and women cavorting around in p.v.c outfits, tutus and fairy wings after dark, engaging in all manner of clandestine activities. One local lady, who wished to remain anonymous, told us that these distasteful goings on were clearly visible from her bedroom window (with the aid of S.A.S issue night vision goggles).

Are you bored with the old Marguerita or with the ubiquitous Pepperoni pizza, well help is at hand with a Florida restaurant’s latest creation ‘The Roadkill Pizza’. Served with lashings of python meat, skunk, alligator and bullfrog, this is a treat for all the family, at a reasonable £28.00. This is proving a real hit with regulars, but Weedkiller’s globetrotting food critic was not swayed saying, ”I’m definitely in the middle of the road on this one”.

For all ye faithful awaiting the ‘Second Coming’, your prayers have been answered as a Catholic nun, who was whisked off to hospital with abdominal pains, has given birth to a baby boy. The Italian nun has named the baby Francesco after the Pope, who has incidentally denied all knowledge of the affair. After being summoned by the Mother Superior, she swore on the cross that it was an immaculate conception and she had not betrayed her celibacy vows. The Mother Superior was not having any of it and was about to give the nun her marching orders, when there was a knock at the door and another sister came in and told the Mother Superior ”You are not going to believe this, but there are three fancily dressed men on camels outside bearing gifts for the baby”.

Bye for now, Paul B.