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Hello Possums

A Mexican motorist, flagged down at a police checkpoint, was royally dropped in it by a pet parakeet perched on his back seat. ”Driving license please, Señor” requested the officer; ”He hasn’t got one“ squawked the bird; “Insurance, Señor?”; “He’s got none”; “Road tax, Señor?”; “No road tax either” came the response from the bird “And he’s been drinking beer and tequila in the prickly cactus bar all day”. The officer said ”Well Señor, your feathered friend in the back has landed you in a lot of trouble”. ”It’s not mine” grumbled the man “It, belongs to my mother-in-law”.

Weedkiller’s Elite Employment Bureau have some exciting opportunities on offer this week. Is discretion your middle name? Do you have conversational Greek and German? If so Buckingham Palace is beckoning. For the generous salary of £276.92 per week, you could find yourself running the royal baths, cleaning priceless antiques, servicing 78 bathrooms, cleaning lavatories, valeting duties for visiting dignitaries, including dry cleaning, packing and unpacking suitcases, arranging breakfast service, making the royal beds, cleaning 760 internal windows, polishing countless medals and insignia, walking the corgis, ensuring a continuous supply of Bombay mix and pork scratchings for Her Majesty and playing hide and seek with Prince Edward. Accommodation is provided, if you ever get the chance to use it. Buckingham Palace is an equal opportunities employer.

North Wheatley, Notts: Doris Deahardy hired a ‘full Monty’ stripper as part of her 100th birthday celebrations. She certainly wasn’t disappointed, as the muscle bound hunk writhed and squirmed naked on her lap as she slathered him in baby oil. Doris had the time of her life, and told her friends that the stripper even offered her a lift after his stint. ”Ooooh!” said her friend “You rascal Doris, did you go all the way?” “Oh no, he dropped me off at the kebab shop on the corner of our street.“

As a record number of viewers tuned in to Hailey Croppers swan song in Coronation Street, Weedkiller Weekly has been given a preview of a one-off-special with ‘Fred Elliot, a say, Fred Elliot‘ and Ashley, his assistant, in’t butcher’s shop:

“Well Ashley, what a shame about poor old ‘Ailey then eh? I always knew she’d come a cropper.”
“Were it summat she’d eaten, Fred?”
“No, no, Ashley. It were a lethal cocktail that dunnit,
a say, a lethal cocktail.’
“Must ave bin from T’Rovers, I never rated that
Neutron & Wriggley ale, and their ‘ot pots.”
“Well I’ve seen more meat on a toothpick,
a say, a toothpick, they should ave used my pies in’t pub:
pure meat, a say, pure meat, and my rissoles are the talk of Wetherfield.”
“I ‘eard that she used to be a bloke Fred, ‘ows that then?”
“Well, ‘e were a woman trapped in a man’s body Ashley,
a say, a man’s body.”
”I don’t get it Fred.”
”Never mind Ashley, a say, never mind, get on wi ‘aggis,
Burn’s Night’l a’ bin and gone afore you’ve finished,
bin and gone, a say, bin and gone.”
”Wot about t’mince Fred?”
“Don’t worry Ashley, no one can see ‘ow yer walk behind counter, a say, no one can see ow yer walk.“

Up for some adventure? Game for a challenge? Fancy leaving the lousy weather behind for a life in the sun? You bet. Florida beckons. You could be assistant to the alligator response co-ordinator, whose main responsibility is removing the unwanted reptiles from residents’ properties. You will be expected to supply personal safety gear, but a pair of protective ‘Crocs’ will be provided. The pay is £15-00 per hour, plus tips. Please forward your C.V. with details of any relevant experience to ‘No fingers Freddie’ or ‘Stumpy Sid’ C/O Upper Florida Keys Alligator Services, Florida, USA. Previous amputees need not apply.

Bye for now Paul B.