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Hello Possums,

Prince Harry and his girlfriend are planning a trip to Iceland, before a skiing trip in Verbier. A spokesperson told Weedkiller’s Royal Correspondent that the Prince had visited Iceland before, but was unimpressed with the sausage rolls and the frozen chips.

An American diva is suing the Federal Government, claiming that a botched abdominal procedure left her unable to perform without breaking wind, and also acute incontinence. Her last performance in Cosi Fanny Tutti was described as extremely moving with a prevailing wind.

A recently uncovered document claims that ‘Ping Pong’ played a major role in bringing the cold war to an end, but, alas, nobody has ever heard of him.

3,000 chicks escaped from an overturned lorry in China after a collision in thick fog. Despite a concerted effort by emergency services, hundreds of the birds are still on the run. The proprietor of the ‘Wing It Soon’ Chinese restaurant Fu Ling U said that it was an unfortunate case of chicken flew yung.

Adolf Hitler’s personal loo, from his luxury yacht ‘The Aviso Grille’ has been discovered among salvaged junk, at the rear of a car repair shop in New Jersey. The Fuhrer, ever optimistic, had planned to sail in it, up the river Thames, in triumphant glory, to accept Britain’s surrender. The bulk of Hitler’s strategy was planned while he was sitting on the Kaiser hastily scribbling troop movements on scraps of toilet paper. He shrugged off his disastrous invasion of Russia as a ‘flush in the pan‘. Historians guessed a po was also kept under his bunk. His pride and joy was eventually sunk as a result of enema action.

Prince Charles has called for an improvement in the quality of hospital catering to be made a priority. A luncheon, at Clarence House to discuss the issue, was prepared by Heston Blumenthal on a budget of £3.00 per head: the same allowance for N.H.S patients. Incidentally the allowance for guests of H.M.P is £5.00 per head. In future all meals for hospital patients will be prepared in the Highgrove House kitchens, using locally sourced ingredients from the Duchy Estates. The Prince, who is passionate about nutrition, will be supervising operations.

Rasdolf, Germany: A build up of methane, produced by 70 cows, blew the roof of their barn after being ignited by static electricity. The farmer, Vilhelm Goosestep, said, at first, he thought it was an unexploded wartime bomb. Apparently, despite being an extremely flatulent breed, his cattle are highly prized by the meat industry for the production of gourmet Hindenburgers.

The Queen is to share roles with Prince Charles. ”No mustard on mine, thank you Mummy”.

‘I say, I say‘:

• What is the worst thing to bring up at a dinner party? Your dinner.

• The last person you want picking your brains is a cannibal.

Weedkiller’s Agony Aunt has been approached by Private Eye magazine to help and advise some of the numerous heartfelt requests made by people for financial and other assistance:

• Academic & dog seek lodging with garden in London will give tuition in Latin & Greek and babysit in return.

In response to your requirements, I have found someone that is interested, but unfortunately their baby is too young to learn Latin & Greek.

• Poor disabled man trying desperately to get back on his feet and start a business, please help.

Hello poor disabled man, I am extremely sympathetic to your plight and admire your grit and determination. In view of this I am prepared to loan you my late mother’s Zimmer frame.

• 62 year old woman desperately needs to buy her council flat and move to somewhere quiet, any help most welcome.

Hello desperate lady, what a predicament you find yourself in, many folk would turn a blind eye, but not me. Luckily I have an old transit van you may use in your move, all it needs is road tax and M.O.T.

Bye for now, Paul B.