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Hello Possums

Ever thought that the Great Casino of Life had dealt you a lousy hand? Well, spare a thought for these unfortunate blighters who suffer great hardships on a daily basis in the forage for a crumb of sustenance. No it’s not the workhouse of old, it’s not a soup kitchen for the destitute, it’s the House of Lords: recently under fire for the poor service and catering in its £1.3 million taxpayer subsidized restaurants. One disgruntled Lord was forced to endure a 15 minute wait for a table, which did not allow enough time for the excellent sweet trolley. … … … Brief respite, whilst you dab the tears away. … … … On another occasion, a Peer and his wife had their booking cancelled and could not dine elsewhere as she was wearing a tiara. These chappies have to scrape through on an abysmal £300.00 per day attendance allowance, and are forced to endure seared scallops, Beluga caviar and risotto simmered in champagne. So count your blessings.

An outlet in central London is pioneering the use of camel milk in certain beverages. With a taste similar to semi-skimmed cows’ milk, but with half the fat and three times as much vitamin C, the camels’ milk is offering a much healthier option. If this initiative proves successful, the milk will be produced by dromedairies nationwide.

This may or may not be a priority on your bucket list, but, the fact is that, only one person in ten have given instructions for their final send off. This is according to a survey conducted by the National Association of Funeral Directors, who have pledged to undertake any personalized ceremonies for their clients. One of the more unusual requests is for a troop of Morris dancers to perform outside the church, when a local man pops his clogs. A company director has requested to be buried in his garden, adjacent to his beloved golf course. His wife told us that her husband wished to be buried with his clubs, wearing his golfing gear and his lucky socks even though there is a hole in one.

Celebrity chef, Anthony Worral Thomson, is facing his demons and writing a book entitled “Why”, with reference to his conviction for nonpayment of items at a self service supermarket checkout. His book, “Why”, is nearing completion, and will shortly be available for shoplifting at all good bookstores.

A Lib Dem Minister said that parents should encourage their sons to play with and pursue hobbies normally associated with girls. Jenny Willot made these comments during a parliamentary debate, suggesting that toy manufacturers design their products for specific sexes, thus sending out the message that boys and girls are different. But me and my Barbie doll know that girls and boys are different, don’t we. Snigger, snigger, giggle giggle.

Following last weeks requests from Private Eye we are endeavouring to assist in some further heartfelt pleas for financial assistance and advice:

• Despairing exhausted teacher seeks donations for badly needed revitalising cruise before descending into insanity. Promise not to take it in term time. P&O box 95
• URGENT! Financial help needed for excruciatingly painful hernia repair. Can’t afford procedure due to collapse of truss fund. PO box 53
• Chronic alcoholic desperately trying to get back on his feet. Can you help? PO box 56
• Prowfesional prufe reeder seikhs comissionaires: Friction, Non Friction, Hystery, Roemance, Frillers, Earotica and Cuckery bucks, wotever. PO box 19
• Suicidal man, with serious breathing difficulties due to huge nose, needs £5.000 for life saving operation, please help. PO box 😢
  (Dear suicidal man is this a genuine appeal for help or a devious wheeze?)

❤️ Weedkiller’s Valentine’s Corner ❤️

• 👀 Lonely phantom seeks soul mate.
• 💔 Heartbroken Welsh sheep farmer missing ewe awfully.
• 💚 Be my Valentine. Lonely single mother of twelve, Barbarella, seeks partner to share life’s benefits: family allowance, housing, single mother supplement, job seekers, etc, etc. Smoker and drinker preferred.
• 💞 Looking for love on Valentine’s. Betty and Beryl, Siamese twins, seek two knights in shining armour for romance, maybe more. Must have similar interests, as we are inseparable.
• 💙 Lonely heart seeks transplant.
• 💕 Make me a happy man on Valentine’s Day. Charlie, cuddly dwarf, seeks tall attractive sexy lady; someone he can look up to.

Bye for now, Paul B.