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Hello Possums.

The ‘happy slapper” craze has reared it’s ugly head yet again, as an Asda fish counter sales girl was assaulted by a woman, who picked up a large bream from the display, and walloped the girl with it. She then ran off laughing with an accomplice, who is believed to have filmed the incident on a mobile phone. The police refused to attend such a trivial incident, saying that they had bigger fish to fry.

Apparently even the most hardened criminals have an Achilles heel, which in one case comes in the shape of a budgerigar. In scenes reminiscent of ‘The Bird Man Of Alcatraz, lifer Big Billy (The Butcher) Thorpe has been allowed to have a pet budgie in his cell, which perches on his huge finger tweeting merrily away. Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter visited the gentle giant (when it comes to budgies that is) in his cell at Woodworm Scrubs. “Does your budgie talk Bill?” asked our reporter. ”Wot” boomed Billy ”If you fink any bird of mine would be a coppers nark you got anovver fink comin. Now clear off before I rip your ead off“.

Scottish viewers could be denied access to the BBC’s comprehensive schedule of repeats, if the proposed Independence Campaign is successful. Some of the programs affected will be ‘Strictly Come Drinking‘, ‘Casualty‘, ‘Have I Got Booze For You‘, ‘24 hours in A&E‘ and ‘Mrs Broon’s Boys‘.

Texas USA: An El Paso man is facing up to 18 months in jail after relieving himself within the hallowed walls of the Alamo. The 260 year old building, originally a church, was the scene of the 19th century heroic last stand by a vastly outnumbered band of Texans.

The presiding judge told the defendant, his actions had outraged the many Americans who hold this place sacred, and was he aware that he had urinated on the very spot where Davy Crockett fell. “You can’t blame that one on me your honour, the floor was already wet.“

Prince Andrew has been spotted entertaining a Croatian beauty, an ex-squeeze of George Clooney. An intimate dinner at an exclusive Mayfair restaurant and drinkies at the members only Arts Club, where does he get his money from?

A recent survey by estate agents has revealed that properties located on streets or roads with smutty names can be expected to be valued at an average of £84,000 less than their true market value. By pure coincidence, the layout of Bellenden Gardens in Glasgow was revealed by a Google aerial map to resemble the male appendage.

Other unfortunate names are: The Knob, Crotch Crescent, Cock Lane E.C.1, Fanny Hands Lane and Cock-a Dobby. Nae, nae, titter ye not these are all genuine.

Great Cockup, Skiddaw Range, Cumbria

Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter refused to cover this assignment, calling it a load of nonsense, so he is spending the weekend at his country cottage Knockers Nook in the Cotswold village of Tickle Bum.

Northern India: (Strange but true) A man returning home discovered to his horror that his wife and dog had been murdered by an intruder and the house ransacked. The only survivor was Hercule their pet parrot, who appeared to be in a state of shock, and only became animated when the police brought round the man’s nephew, who was a strong suspect. ”Usne marne; Usne Marne” squawked the bird, which translates from Hindi as ‘he’s the killer, he’s the killer‘. The nephew, despite protesting his innocence, was tried for the crime, and subsequently hanged.

Some days later the local religious leader called round to offer his respects to the bereaved man, when the parrot saw him, it flapped it’s wings furiously and squawked “Usne marne; Usne marne”.

Following on from the success of Trip Adviser, Weedkiller’s Public Information Bureau have added some helpful information:

• Drip Adviser – Plumbers.
• Thrip Adviser – Garden pest controllers.
• Snip Adviser – Vasectomy procedures.

Bye for now, Paul B.