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Hello Possums,

Well the demand for character properties is as strong as ever, with the recent sale of the Victorian lavatories No.s 1 and 2, just off Ashbourne Market Place. There was intense bidding for the lot, before the hammer went down, in the wee hours, for around £100,000. Sold as a going concern, with no chain, to a local businessman by Bogshaws Estate Agents.

Cumbria: A community support officer was taken aback, when an obviously well inebriated man approached her to ask for a jump start for his car. “Aren’t you in the AA” she asked. “I’m not actually, but I should be, with the amount I’ve drunk.” Appearing in court, he was fined £200 with £85 costs, and received a six month ban. His battery was not charged.

Edinburgh: A taxi driver unwittingly acted as a getaway driver for a bank robber, who kept him waiting outside The Royal Bank of Scotland, with his meter running whilst he stole a four figure sum, before making his escape in the cab. Glasgow CID asked the driver if he would be able to recognise the thief: “Och no, he had a stocking over his head. And the grand wee fella gave me a £500 tip“.

Crawly, Sussex: Daring raiders broke through a skylight into an amusement arcade and rifled fruit machines, stealing around £40,000, then brazenly strolling out of the front door. The only witness was a rough sleeper, who told the Police that he noticed one of the men only had one arm.

Unfortunately for the Duchess of York, her recent grueling weight loss regime, to highlight global obesity, may have all been in vain, as Prince Andrew turns his attention to a Croatian beauty. Rumours, suggesting a possibility that they may remarry, were in the air, as well as speculation that they might buy back their marital home, Sunningdale Park, for an estimated £3million less than its true market value. However the Duchess is consoling herself with a specially blended range of teas to satisfy her sweet tooth: such as jam rolypoly, rhubarb fool and Bakewell tart. The likelihood of these teas being marketed could be a nice little earner for the normally cash strapped Fergie. The teas have though received mixed reviews from experts, with one saying the toe flavoured one sucks.

Piers Morgan is finding things pretty tough on Job Seekers Allowance, after turning down the position of ashtray emptier for Jeremy Clarkson on’Top Gear‘ and junior researcher on ‘Have I Got News For You‘. He has applied for a post within Weedkiller’s high profile organisation; Mr Morgan, a vociferous anti-gun lobbyist and a man of high calibre, could be a welcome contributor to our weekly bulletin. Unfortunately, he has had to reschedule his initial interview due to a hacking cough. (Weedkiller Weekly is an unequal opportunities employer.)

A community of Cistertian monks, based on Caldey Island off the Welsh coast, had an unexpected windfall of £20,000, in the form of a rebate, after being overcharged for electricity over a number of years. Father Daniel told Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter that it is a real blessing, but, with the clarity of hindsight, wished that he hadn’t remained silent for so long.

Downing Street, London. 10/Mar/2014

“Excuse me Prime Minister, I have President George W Bush on the line.”
“Thank you, Charles. Hello George, how’s retirement?”
“Never mind that Tony, we’ve got work to do!”
“Actually George, it’s David Cameron speaking; Tony Blair is no longer Prime Minister, we have a Conservative Government now. What’s on your mind?”
“Well Tony, I think you and I should saddle up and go kick some ass in the Crimean Peninsula; just like the old days; waddya say buddy?”
“Well George, we are striving for a peaceful solution through dialogue and diplomatic channels, though economic sanctions are still an option.”
“Sanctions my butt, Tony. They ain’t worth a plugged nickel. That’s not how the West was won; we didn’t clear out them thar pesky redskins with pussyfoot sanctions. Put that Rear Admiral Prescott on the line; he’s my kind of guy, shoots from the hip.”
“He isn’t around any more either George. If you’ll forgive me, I have to chair and emergency Cobra meeting.”
“Cobras! What sissy ass snakes! You ain’t seen nothing ’till ya meet a mean ol’ Texas rattler: nasty as a junk yard mutt. Oh shucks, I’ll have to hang up now. It’s time for my beddybyes. See ya ol’ buddy.

Bye for now, Paul B.