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Hello Possums,

It is believed that one or two eyebrows will be raised, if the proposed opening of a new Botox clinic goes ahead in Ashbourne.

Noose Flash – Sri Lanka: The Colombian authorities recently received over 176 applications for the position of hangman. Unfortunately the successful candidate lost his nerve after viewing the gallows for the first time. Although executions are few and far between, there are a substantial number of men on death row. The prison governor told Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter that he did not even have a chance to show him the ropes.

A Devon man, who stole a penny farthing bicycle as a means of getting home after an all day drinking session, was warned at a preliminary court hearing to be prepared for likely transportation to Botany Bay.

A man, who was tackled by a community support officer after trying to pay for goods with fake twenty pound notes, has been jailed for a year for throwing a sausage cob at the officer in an effort to escape, causing a minor injury. The judge told the man that on his release he must attend a banger management course.

The Japanese lingerie designers ‘Ravijour‘ have produced a high tech bra, ‘The True Love Tester‘, with super sensors that will only release the bras’ security systems when certain conditions are detected, such as increased heart rate, a rise in temperature and associated hormonal secretions, triggered by favourable responses to the overtures of an amorous male. Early trials have also proven to be very promising with the ‘No Entry‘ chastity belt, already in the pipeline. As with the bra, access can only be gained if certain criteria are verified by a built-in diamond clarity and carat testing system, namely, that the gem is worth in excess of a thousand pounds.

Francesco Schettino, the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia, who is facing trial accused of causing a maritime disaster, abandoning ship and multiple charges of manslaughter, after his vessel foundered on rocks, made an emotional return visit to the ship. He broke down during questioning by officials, but, after regaining his composure, he asked for a few moments to wave to some friends on the shore.

Headline of the week: “Chief whip irritated by sex claim“. A Stockport based dominatrix has fallen foul of fire safety regulations, after her custom-built dungeon failed an inspection by officials. The report stated that her clients, who were subjected to humiliating treatment and certain forms of restraint, would have little or no chance of escape in the event of a fire. Another serious breach was the fact that her clients were also indulging in the inhalation of nitrous oxide, which was definitely no laughing matter.

Unfortunately the delightful actress, Hermione Norris, who was to have shared her thrifty shopping tips with Weedkiller’s vast readership this week, had an attack of Cold Feet at the last minute, but we do hope to hear from her in the near future.

Bye for now, Paul B