PARWICH.ORG

Hello Possums,

Now then, following the appointment of a Norland trained Spanish nannie for the Royal Baby, Weedkiller Weekly executives, not to be outdone, shall be conducting their own training programme for potential nannies aimed at the extremely lucrative ‘rich & famous‘ market. There will be none of the Mary Poppins or Nannie McFee nonsense. Courses will be held at Parwich Legion, encompassing skills such as: how to use an Aga, high speed evasive driving techniques, selfdefense, how to whip up an apple crumble, how to steer a pram away from potential highjackers, hosting kiddies parties and pretending to like corgies and Fergie. This course is aimed at providing all the requirements you will need for this highly demanding profession. To secure your place please forward a cheque for £250.00 made payable to Weedkiller Professional Training Services.

The end could be in sight for that great British institution, the Television Licence. Apparently the dodgers, who are too numerous to mention, cannot afford the £145.50 annual fee. Of course they still watch on their giant cinematic 3D sets, whilst trying to budget their meagre benefits sitting in their woefully inadequate tax payer funded houses with their delightful broods. I trust that Auntie will reimburse all of us law abiding citizens the full amount that we have spent over the years. One person actually pleaded immunity from purchasing said licence as he had stolen his set.

Noo then, ‘old on to yer ‘ats me olds, if ewe’s one o’ them folks that’s easily exoitable, yer ad better sit ye down. Oi ‘ave it, on good authority, that there is to be another series of … wait fer it … “Lambin Loive” wi’ Kate Bumble. If yer missed t’last one, it’s abowt sheep ‘avin lambs; thar’s one born every minute as they say. For them as is not familiar wi’ country ways, t’old ‘orny tup ‘as i’s wicked way wi’ ewes, and as a result they ‘as young uns. It’s loik wotchin the proverbial paint droi. If you ‘ave trouble sleepin, sit ye down and tune in, Oi guarantee ewe will be in t’land o’ nod in no toime at all.

Parwich Film will be featuring next a thrilling World War II epic based on the daring exploits of Gunther Scmidt, the captain of a German U-boat, who pits his wits against the hunter killers of the British navy. He guides his vessel through the dark depths in search of his prey, the film is one hour and a half long and has Sub-titles.

A couple, celebrating St Patrick’s day in New York, got so carried away that they could not control their passion and, as a result, ended up in the throes of passion at the rear of a ‘Dunkin Donuts‘ outlet. Discretion not being high on the agenda, they had soon acquired an audience. One little boy, looking through the window, asked his mother what they were doing. The quick thinking mother told him that they were playing a game called find the doughnut. “Oh yes” said the boy ”Daddy plays that game with the lady from next door”.

Headline of the week: “Trainee circus dwarves in short supply“.

Finally our recently engaged medium Madame Puttanesca, whose rare talent allows her to reach through the swirling ethereal mists to contact the dearly departed, will not be able to join us at present. Her latest commission was to make contact with the late gangster Vinnie (Baby Face) Swindell, to ascertain the hiding place of millions of pounds, the proceeds of a life time of criminal activities. Vinnie was the victim of a gangland hit and left no clues as to the whereabouts of the cache. His widow, Dolores, desperately hoped for a result, but, after many exhaustive attempts, Madame Puttanesca failed to make any contact with the deceased. Such was the drain on Madame, she has decided to sell her present home in Hackney Wick and recuperate at her recently acquired luxury estate in Beverly Hills, California, which includes neighbours such as Oprah Winfrey and Madonna. We wish her a speedy recovery and look forward to welcoming her aboard in the near future.

Bye for now Paul B.