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Hello possums,

Prince Charles was given a gentle reminder of his German ancestry when he was presented with a giant pretzel by Petra Braun, a baker from Stuttgart. Mrs Braun opened her ‘Hanzel & Gretel’ bakery in London 10 years ago, and was delighted to see the Prince. Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter, Jack Boot, overheardPrince Charles, whilst on his tour of the bakery, say that “One is rather partial to a bit of crumpet One’s self“. “Vot is dis crumpet your highness?” asked a bemused Mrs Braun. Whereupon a voice from the entourage shouted “Don’t tell her pikelet“.

A ground breaking Channel 4 programme is highlighting the attempts of scientists to sequence the DNA of historical figures to discover their causes of death. They have successfully reached the conclusion that the singer Elvis Presley suffered from Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy, an extremely rare degenerative heart disease. Their findings also confirmed the fact that as he always contested he did not have a wooden heart after all.

The recently released film ‘Noah‘, starring Russel Crowe, which charts the events leading up to the great flood and beyond, could not realistically portray the event on pure fact along with many other fabled occurrences of the time. However this historical tempest could be given credence after all, thanks to the painstaking research of a renowned biblical scholar, in collaboration with Weedkiller’s Department of Historical Research, an ancient document has come to light, which appears to be an extremely old form of insurance policy. The contents would suggest that Noah had prior knowledge of the impending disaster, and acted accordingly. The cover includes third party, plagues of locusts, famine, pestilence, loss of earnings and flood damage. However also discovered was a response from his insurers Saga rejecting Noah’s claims for reparation on the grounds that apocalypse was deemed to be an act of God.

Following the special episode of ‘Only Fools & Horses‘ in aid of sport relief, where David Beckham had a cameo role playing the much loved and late lamented Trigger, a new series is to be commissioned, and David has been offered the part of Trigger, but he is not confident of making the transition from striker to sweeper.

Oscar Pretorious, who is staying at a hotel close to the courts where he is on trial, has been forced to seek alternative accommodation due to the fact that the chambermaids have refused to service his bathroom on he grounds of health & safety.

Prince Harry has returned with his girlfriend Cressida Bonus from a Skiing trip in Imknackeredstan, after giving Prince Andrew his air miles, he told the waiting press “I had a lovely time here but I much prefer Chelsea“.

I am sure that the majority of us enjoyed the bumbling antics of Warmington on Sea’s home guard commanded by the stickler Captain Mainwaring and his men, but in reality there was a highly trained brigade consisting of retired doctors, farmers and locals in the picturesque New Forest village Beaulieu prepared to lay down their lives in the event of a German invasion. The local pub hosted a Lewis machine gun post as did the garage and a local stately home. Mine fields and tank traps were also planned to thwart the Nazi onslaught. But of course we all know that due to the selfless and heroic sacrifices of our servicemen and women this determined bunch were not called upon to defend king and country. Nowadays with the threat passed, the old inn has evolved into a Gastro pub, and the old headquarters, where many an hour was spent discussing tactics, is now a family planning centre which offers alternatives to old fashioned forms of contraception such as the risky early
termination of intimacy. However the the 44 Dads’ Army stalwarts have not been forgotten as the clinic still retains their motto ‘There shall be no withdrawal‘.

Finally, it is a sad reflection of our present day society, when a six foot eighteen year old youth cannot walk home from the pub in relative safety. Such is the recent case in Blackpool; the youth in question was mercilessly set about by a certain 75 year old Renate Bowling after he called her ‘a silly old German cow‘, which we believe is a term of endearment peculiar to the Fylde Coast and should not have triggered such a violent response. Renate intervened after her neighbour, 92 year old delinquent ex-con Charlie Gall, was verbally abusing the hapless lad. Not content with physical harm, Renate tore the lad’s jumper causing £25.00 damage. The judge, in summing up, told her that this loutish behaviour would not be tolerated and she should atone for her actions. Widow Renate, who escaped Communist East Berlin, had previous form: she had confronted an angelic choirboy, who was on a sponsored window break to raise funds for the rehabilitation of geriatric ruffians and vandals. The judge fined her £165.00 after she admitted assault and conditionally discharged her; he told her that the only reason she had escaped a custodial sentence was taking into consideration her violent nature, which would no doubt pose a serious threat to other inmates and prison officers.

Bye for now Paul B.