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Hello Possums,

Police are hunting a man, who attempted to rob a store (in Maldon, Essex) at gunpoint, wearing a Rod Stewart mask. The man escaped empty handed after a member of staff hit the alarm button. A local C.I.D Inspector told us that a similar modus operandi was adopted some years ago by a man wearing a Gordon Brown mask, who brazenly carried out a massive gold bullion reserve heist, and is now believed to be a fugitive living in Scotland.

A man, walking his dog by a golf course, was shocked when the animal returned from undergrowth with a badly decomposed human arm in its mouth. A club spokesperson said “We do have one or two dog legs on the course, but a human one is definitely a first”.

Apparently a Teddy bear was one of the more mundane items stolen from the House of Commons in recent years, and was thought to have been the unwitting victim of a honey trap.

A new entry in the O.E.D is the word Jalaproctitisor or ‘Bombay Bottie’: the unpleasant morning after effects of an extremely hot curry. This ‘after burn’ is the result of Capsicin spice not being absorbed in sufficient quantities on its journey through the digestive tract. The practise of consuming copious amounts of lager is counter productive, and yoghurt based drinks are recommended, as is milk, which neutralize the effects. But, of course, ordering a pint of semi skimmed with ones Vindaloo is particularly bad for ones street credibility.

Now do your old school days come back to haunt you; does the thought of congealed semolina pud bring you out in a cold sweat; the pressure of exams; the wish to succeed? Well, we may be able to lay that particular ghost to rest. Prince Andrew, in his great wisdom, suggests that schoolchildren need to fail so they can learn from their mistakes. Prince Charles and he had to endure the draconian regime at the £30.000 per annum Gordenstoun Stalag in Scotland. Charles, in particular, recalls the icy dormitories, the gruelling outdoor activities and the freezing cold communal showers, although one did have a lackey to pick up ones soap. Charles likened his time there to a prison sentence, but it did teach him patience, a quality that would serve him well, as it turned out. Andrew, on the other hand, spoke warmly of the school and its character building benefits; not like the ‘molly cuddling‘ teachers of today. He is quoted as saying “There is a desire to succeed, especially for my brother Charles, but there must be a learning process to success, that must be challenged in some way, so that the logical outcome will be favourable”. (N.B. The last part of this paragraph was ghost written by Lord Prescott.)

A female nurse has been struck off, after flaunting strict rules regarding inappropriate physical contact with patients, after being caught playing ‘hide and seek’ in a man’s bed. A person in the next bed alerted staff after hearing the nurse count to twenty and say “coming ready or not”.

This week we are pleased to welcome back Miss Marjoram Poops, our guest Agony Aunt:

Q. Dear Marjoram my long term partner strictly insists that I wear stiletto heels, fishnet stockings and suspenders before intimacy can be initiated. My main concern is if the other lads down the pub find out I’ll be a laughing stock.

A. Too bloody right you will mate.

Q. Dear Marjoram, My 87 year old husband has become very cold and unfeeling towards me these days. He has lost all interest in sex, will not get out of bed at all and wont eat or drink and doesn’t even speak to me any more. I am at my wits end, what do you suggest I do please?

A. Call the undertakers my dear.

Q. Dear Marjoram, Just yesterday I ran screaming in blind terror into the house to get my husband who was watching Rangers & Celtic in the play off on television. “Bill, Bill come quick I yelled, next door’s Rottweiler has jumped the fence, and is attacking my mother.” “Just calm down dear“ he said ”The match is almost over, then I’ll take the dog to the vets and have him checked over”.

A. Never come between a man and his sport my dear.

Q. Dear Marjoram, my husband is obsessed with watching women’s tennis on television, especially those nubile young Eastern European nymphs in their skimpy outfits. I have to wait on him hand & foot, even towel him down between strokes. Help please.

A. What I suggest, my love, is a nice romantic holiday somewhere exotic to take his mind off the game. Maybe a fortnight’s Thai break would be the answer.

Many thanks Marjoram for your advice.

Finally, Nottingham C.I.D are hunting a thief, who has been stealing ladies intimate apparel from clothes lines in the area. The culprit is described by an eye witness, as being six feet tall, wearing a blond wig, stilettos, bright red lipstick and a fur coat. A police trannie was despatched to the last incident, but no arrests were made. A police dragnet is currently in place with the intention of bringing this man in for cross dressing examination.

Bye for now, Paul B