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Hello Possums,

A postcard has come to light, sent by Adolf Hitler during the First World War, confirming the removal of 19 of his teeth. The card, dated 21/12/16, features a picture of Berlin’s Landwebr Canal. It was fairly common knowledge that Hitler had a profound fear of dentists, but suffered, nevertheless, in the hope that the tooth fairy would make a significant financial contribution to the German war effort.

An American car mechanic, who was convinced, up until recently, that he was Elvis Presley’s love child, has been told that D.N.A testing has proved beyond doubt that he is in no way related to the star. His mother claimed to have had a one night stand with the legendary singer many moons ago, and became pregnant by him as a result. The mechanic’s craving for cheese burgers and peanut butter sandwiches, and an uncanny similarity in singing voices, has been put down to pure coincidence. The poor fellow is inconsolable with the findings, and is trying to come to terms by going into hiding at The Heartbreak Hotel, down at the end of lonely street.

An inebriated burglar, who fell asleep on the lavatory of a house he had broken into, has been sentenced to 18 months in prison. After passing sentence, the judge told him “Just thank your lucky stars that it wasn’t Oscar Pistorius’s house“.

It is highly unlikely that anyone is giving any thought to one’s final send off at present, but, if you are worried that your passage from cradle to grave will not be marked by a significant turnout, fret not our good friends the Chinese have the answer. For a mere £300 you may rest assured that your funeral service will be boosted by a troupe of (resting) actors, who will weep and wail, prostrate themselves in front of your coffin in displays of profound grief worthy of a Oscar nomination. Chen Shugiang, a former opera, singer runs ‘Rent a Mourner’ in Feishan, South East China. She told Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter that business is brisk with favourite hymns, no. 7 BBQ spare ribs, no. 35 crispy beef in black bean sauce and no. 50 Singapore noodles.

Acute embarrassment has been caused to the proprietors of the ‘Wig & Pen‘ pub in Truro. Fearing that council maintenance street closures would be detrimental to trade, they had a sign made stating that it was business as usual, but unfortunately due to a spacing error it read “The Wig & Penis is open for business as usual“. (TRUE)

A Canadian dentist is hoping to clone John Lennon with DNA extracted from a wisdom tooth, extracted from the late Beetle many years ago. He purchased the tooth at auction, and if the procedure is successful he intends to raise the child as his own, Imagine.

Devout ‘Trekkie‘ fans are distraught after one of their favourite characters, despite frantic efforts by the crew of ‘Starship Enterprise’, died as a result of an attack of deep space thrombosis, brought on during a particularly violent intergalactic Klingon skirmish. The fan club secretary said ”Why on earth didn’t they go to Spock savers?”.

Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter has just returned from one of the deepest regions of the Amazonian rainforest, where he was documenting the discovery of a previously unknown tribe. Unfortunately he was bitten on the leg by an extremely venomous snake, and only the speedy actions of the village chief saved him from a slow and agonising death. An old woman was summoned post haste, who immediately began sucking out the venom from the wound. Only after she was satisfied that all the poison had been removed, did she fall back exhausted. Our man soon regained consciousness, and after some rest was back to his normal self. The interpreter told him that he was extremely fortunate that it was an old tradition in the village called ‘a life for a life’, which basically meant that he would be morally bound to perform this life saving procedure on the next victim as a token of gratitude. As they spoke there was a huge amount of frantic activity as a huge ape was stretchered into the village; its multi coloured bottom was swelling out of all proportion, and clouds of flies swarmed around what was obviously a recent snake bite. “Oh! my god” exclaimed the interpreter, ”It’s Bumbo Bumbo, the village chief’s favourite of all favourite pets“. It had also been bitten by the same species of snake, and was in imminent danger. Time for a sharp exit thought our man; he swiftly legged it, just as he heard the chief summoning him to fulfil his debt of honour. Next week, Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter will be investigating the mysterious case of the vanishing deckchairs at Mablethorpe.

Mickey Rooney, who God recently called time upon, had a remarkable career in show business. Starting from an early age, he made more trips up the matrimonial aisle than a church cleaner, but sadly ended up portraying Baron Hardup in pantomime (the last chance saloon for the acting fraternity). Into his nineties, he left behind the grand sum of £10,000. Wayne will not be making a claim on the late actors estate.

Have a good Easter everyone, Weedkiller will be back after Easter, keep the comments flooding in.

Bye for now Paul B.