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Hello Possums.

Well what a night (Saturday/Sunday), whilst we were all tucked up safely in our beds, our unsung hero Peter T was locked in mortal combat with the monstrous Hydra, which had breached the portal and was gushing forth with a vengeance from the fetid depths of the underworld. Peter, armed only with a wheelie bin and his enchanted Nike sandals, with no thought for himself, bravely kept the beast at bay until help arrived, well done lad.

Other news.

Austria wins Eurovision song contest by a whisker.

Rumours are circulating around Westminster that the long awaited publication of the ‘Chilcott’ enquiry is being purposely delayed until after Labour have lost the next election.

When is a pie not a pie? That is the question. A petition is, as we speak gaining momentum, to the effect that a bowl of stew and a puff a pastry lid, that have only just been introduced prior to serving, is not a marriage made in heaven, and by no means represents a true pie. It is being suggested that this practise is flagrant misrepresentation and transgressors should be punished in the courts. The petition is well on the way to qualify for a reading in the House of Commons, and may even be referred to the upper crust House of Lords.

An Avante Garde South African street performer has fallen fowl of the law in France after cavorting around the capital’s Trocadero Plaza, close to the landmark Eiffel tower, dressed in a crimson corset, high heels, long black gloves and an elaborate feathered headdress. A wee bit odd you might think, but Steven Cohen had a live cockerel attached to a certain part of his lower anatomy. This strange spectacle resulted in a large crowd of onlookers, and also gained the attention of the police. By some strange coincidence a group of nuns were observing the goings on, and one novice said to her colleague “Did you see that glorious cock, Sister Benedict?“. “No Sister Murphy, I missed it, that blessed rooster was blocking my view“.

A village in Suffolk, whose streets are usually festooned with garlands made up of interlinked bras, thongs and knickers during carnival week, is having a change of tack this year. Stansfield annual fête organisers have decided that this year’s bunting will be made up from colourful odd socks. As a result, the ladies responsible for the decorations have been asked to come along on the day with no underwear just odd socks.

Chinese youngsters have found a unique way of de-stressing and dispelling negative thoughts and emotions by ‘cabbage walking‘. Chinese psychiatrist, Wen Chow, told Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter that,after taking the cabbage for a stroll, it can be discarded along with the unwanted mental detritus it has absorbed. Also a cabbage will not stubbornly insist on sniffing other cabbages personal bits, doesn’t need food, doesn’t deposit bodily waste and doesn’t have fleas. Our man, Maurice Piper, joined a group of enthusiastic cabbage walkers, but just to be different he took along a collie, he told us, however that they did have to stop for the occasional leek.

A nineteen year old devotee of ‘Nandos’ restaurants has had the company logo tattooed on his bottom, in the hope that he would be rewarded with one of their coveted black loyalty cards, enabling him to eat for free. He spends in the region of £1,500 a year on his favourite extra-hot whole chicken with garlic bread and unlimited soft drinks. Alas he has been denied the card, which is only issued to celebrities and the like. Our disgruntled hero has decided to have the tattoo surgically removed and replaced with an image of his favourite Indian restaurant ‘The Taj Mahal‘ balti house.

Finally, Japan’s Moomin Café is providing company for solitary diners in the form of large stuffed animals. “The ‘Bear with Me‘ concept is proving very popular“, said Terry Yaki, the manager, “With customer satisfaction paramount we will endeavour to panda to everyone’s needs.”

Bye for now, Paul B.