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Dear Possums,

Air rage incidents, caused by heavy binge drinking sessions prior to holiday flights, have seen a dramatic decrease lately mainly as a result of stringent new controls introduced at Gatwick airport. A spokesman told Weedkiller’s Travel Reporter that passenger confidence had received a most welcome boost, now that the recommended time between ‘bottle and throttle‘ for pilots has been greatly extended.

Ashbourne is well on track to becoming ‘fast food capital of the East Midlands’ with more outlets in the pipeline, including controversial plans for the now closed book shop in Dig St, but that’s another story.

Two guests have absconded from the Sudbury open prison leisure complex. John Harry and Charlie Casey have been missing for over a week. Harry is described as 6′ 1″, short brown hair and beard and has an Irish accent. Casey 5′ 10″, with short brown hair, blue eyes and an Irish accent. Anyone with any idea of their whereabouts should not approach the pair, but call 101 with an Irish accent immediately.

Wingham Wildlife park in Kent is claiming a first, after two apparently gay Humboldt penguins took an orphan under their wings. Jumbo and Kermit only have eyes for each other and will not tolerate females in the colony under any circumstances. The owner told Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter that despite many unusual pairings at the park this one really takes the biscuit.

It has now been proven beyond any reasonable doubt, that short men are destined to outlive their taller counterparts. Bradley Williams from the University of Hawaii’s Department of Geriatric Medicine is quoted as saying ”The taller you get, the shorter you will live: this being due to a specific longevity gene, leading to a shorter body and longer lifespan”. Weedkiller’s own expert, Professor Toulouse Lautrec, casts much doubt on these findings and remains unconvinced at present.

Pin and enter took on a new twist recently, as an amorous Spanish couple got naked and seriously intimate behind the cash machine located in the foyer of a local bank in Oviedo. As one would expect there was a great deal of interest from bank customers in the goings on, but this was swiftly brought to a halt as police arrived on the scene. Fortunately for them early withdrawal does not incur a penalty at this particular branch.

The somewhat repulsive custom of camel kissing, in parts of the Middle East, is, to the profound dismay of public health authorities, alive and well. Such intimate contact with ‘the ship of the desert‘ can trigger severe respiratory disease and could result in death. Weedkiller’s Middle Eastern Correspondent witnessed such a spectacle for himself, when a local man engaged in a snogging session with a particularly ugly beast. He asked an onlooker what on earth was the attraction of such behaviour? The man replied ”If you had seen Abdullah’s wife then you would understand”.

Animal rights campaigners are demanding a permanent memorial to the 1,500 chickens that perished when the vehicle transporting them hit the central reservation, spilling hundreds of crates onto the motorway near Eccles, Greater Manchester. Another 5,000 birds fled into the surrounding countryside, with local volunteers scrambled to assist in the recovery operation. Churchman Parson Snows said that a roadside shrine was totally impractical, but that he would place flowers in the east and west wings of his church that evening.

Bye for now, Paul B.