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Hello Possums,

Prince Charles, during his recent visit to Canada, insisted that the gap between rich and poor people must be narrowed. As a direct consequence, the first phase of 200 affordable starter homes will commence early summer within the grounds of the Charles and Camilla’s residence, Highgrove House.

Prince Charles has had his pocket money stopped for a month by Mummy, after an unguarded comment to a Jewish lady, making reference to President Putin’s actions in the Crimea, provoking a serious backlash and outrage in Russia. His comment, made during his recent Canadian tour, has aggravated an already tense situation; it may come to pass that the Prince will have to eat a large slice of his own Duchy Original Organic Humble Pie.

A jubilant candidate, named Francis Drake, won the first UKIP seat on Weymouth & Portland Council in Dorset, beating Lib Dem mayor Ray Banham. However he did not join in the celebrations until after he had finished his game of bowls.

A twelve metre high fluorescent green inflatable contraceptive device has been erected in a suburb of the Chilean capital Santiago, with the aim of raising awareness amongst the younger population of the likely consequences of unprotected sexual relations. Alas after a short while the device slowly deflated and eventually became a flaccid heap of plastic. A company spokesman told Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter that erectile dysfunction was the most likely cause.

A bearded flasher is been hunted by police, after he chased a woman through a churchyard and later exposed himself to an elderly lady, sitting on a bench in the grounds of St Mary’s Church. The police asked the second lady if she could identify the breed of dog; “What dog?” she replied.

A jolly group of traffic wardens enjoyed a £1,260 tax payer funded ‘team building‘ day out at a local zoo. The team, who patrol the streets of Ashford in Kent, were sent to Port Lympnee Safari Park for the all day bonding session, which involved mucking out compounds followed by luncheon. However, true to form, they did have time to issue the head ranger with a fixed penalty notice for parking on double yellow lions. In 2011 the same council spent £700 to send team members of it’s housing department to “Go Ape“, which they presumed was an adventure park but did in fact turn out to be a swingers club.

Police in Rock Hill in South Carolina are hunting a man who assaulted an ice cream vendor with a “freaky Freddy” fudge bar, after a dispute over his daughter’s change. The investigating officer said “I suppose that we should be thankful that it wasn’t a magnum, we do however advise that people do not aggravate these situations, and dial 99, and wafer police assistance to arrive“.

An unfortunate Sheffield vicar has undergone surgery to extricate a potato from a certain part of his lower anatomy. Apparently, whilst hanging curtains in his kitchen stark naked, he lost his balance and fell back onto the potato, which was awaiting preparation on the table. The vicar expressing his profound relief said “Thank God it will be sausage and mash after all for dinner“.

Aggressive begging is rapidly becoming a major problem on the streets of London. Ed Milliband has been cautioned by police, who told him that the public must be allowed to freely choose who they vote for in next year’s general election.

Bye for now, Paul B.