PARWICH.ORG

Hello Possums,

Well our World Cup hopes may have evaporated, but we still have one Brit left with a fighting chance in the men’s tennis, Jock O’ Vitch.

A pub burglar in Accrington, Lancs stole three televisions and two cash registers from the Railway Inn, which he stashed outside whilst he returned to continue his crime spree. However, when he returned, the items had been taken by another thief. The man after being sentenced to nine months in jail told the judge that any vestige of faith in human nature that he possessed had been eradicated by this incident. No honour among thieves, eh.

A disgruntled customer dialed 999 to complain that staff refused to inform him of the contents of his burger. The man was politely but firmly told to take his beef elsewhere as this was by no means a police matter.

A mail order catalogue aimed at pensioners has been banned due to the adult content; along with the usual mobility aids, incontinence items, clothing and bedding there is a section devoted to personal accessories and dvd’s of a specific nature. The publishers of ‘Chums’ magazine argued that these products focused on personal care and stress relief, and were selling well among the fifty shades of grey customers. However traditional pastimes are still alive and well, such as musical commodes, strip bingo and naked twister. The Saga goes on.

In the wake of recent infringements of dress codes, executives of The All England Lawn Tennis Association are to appoint an underwear inspector to enforce the strict white knickers and bra only rule. Male spectators have long complained that white undies become transparent when a player perspires and is a breach of long standing etiquette requirements. Of course with discrimination laws men will also be able to apply for the position which carries a competitive salary, two weeks annual leave and regular twenty minute tie breaks.

An elderly man, being interviewed on Indian state television, was asked what his views were on forced marriages; ”I am all for it” he replied ”As long as she is young and pretty”.

Britain has asked the United States to lift the ban on the import of lamb and haggis, which has been in force since 1971 after the BSE crisis.
The McDonalds restaurant group could lead the way with the introduction of the ‘offal burger’, which would be served to the sound of bagpipes. Weedkiller’s food critic was told by the fast food group’s development manager that, as long as the offal burger is big and greasy and fits comfortably between two buns, it should be a big hit across the pond with their regular patrons. The super burger meal deal will consist of two 10oz haggis patties, cheese slices, extra large fries, battered onion rings, hash-broons, corn cob, sticky ribs with Drambuie bbq sauce, a giant bucket of popcorn and a diet coke all for the introductory price of $7.95.

According to recent statistics released by the Royal mail nine postmen and women were being attacked by dogs everyday and they are mighty fed up with it.

Two Irishmen were walking to Dublin: Michael said to Paddy “How much further do you think it is Paddy,we seem to have been walking for ages?”. “Well Michael, that last milestone said Dublin 50 miles.” “Are you sure Paddy?” “Not a hundred percent Michael; tell you what we’ll go back and check shall we?” “Good idea Paddy.” Eventually, after a good while, they arrived back at the milestone which stated Dublin 100 miles. “Right Michael lets go, when we get back to where we were we will be halfway there, to be sure.”

Bye for now Paul B.